Dancing With The Stars
Season 11 Performance 7

Episode Report Card
Kim: A- | Grade It Now!
Return of the Champions (And Near Champions)
that she's the one who first started squeezing Tom's butt, for those who were wondering where that came from) and talks about how the hardest part of that routine for her was the technique, since she already had the passion and the anger. She'll be judging Kyle and Lacey, who have to do a routine inspired by her paso? I mean, they're not doing a Gus van Sant Psycho note-for-note remake, right? Kyle is thrilled to be moving back up the leaderboard. He also realizes that he needs to put aside his happy playful persona and try to be sexy and aggressive. So this should be interesting.

So they just started the routine, and it kind of is a note-for-note remake, at least so far. The music is really fast, though. You know what? It's pretty good! I don't like that they're doing the same exact routine though. I thought it was more "inspired by," but whatever. Kyle does a good job attacking it. Len says that it was their best dance. Mel B. says that they blew her away and Kyle was sexy. Bruno liked it a lot, and has just a quibble. Carrie Ann thinks that Kyle showed power and strength. I also don't know if it's fair that they had to do a routine with a pro male and star female, when they are the reverse. I guess I need to let that go. Scores: Mel 10, Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Are all the celebrity judges going to give a 10? Probably.

Next up, Emmitt Smith returns to judge Kurt and Anna doing his tango. I loved Emmitt. I don't remember this tango at all, though. In the clip they show, Emmitt totally messes up the footwork, so oops. To his credit, Emmitt admits that his tango wasn't that great, and he hopes that Kurt will be better. In rehearsals, Kurt gets frustrated when Anna says that things are easy, so he takes her out to the football field to show her how hard it can be when you're trying something new. Dumb filler, but we do get to see Larry Fitzgerald, who was a star on my fantasy team a few seasons ago, so I love him.

The dance starts, and Kurt's posture is good, but it's like his knees are bent too much. He's duck walking instead of dancing. And he's not performing as well as he usually does. I don't see the intensity in his face -- he seems like he's counting steps in his head instead. But he doesn't screw up, and since it's all in hold, he can't have bad hands and arms like he usually does. Judges? Bruno liked it, and cautions Kurt not to stick his head forward. Carrie Ann says that Emmitt got into character, and Kurt brought his own character to things. Emmitt loves Kurt's outfit and his technique. Len loves that Kurt takes their critiques and comes back, and also notes his bent knees, but overall, he did like it. Scores: Emmitt 10, Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. See? The returning celebs are always going to give a 10 so they will all cancel one another out.

Kelly Osborne! Yay! Her hair looks terrible, though. But I love her. And she looks amazing. Her memorable dance is her Viennese waltz. Oh, it was so cute. I loved her and Louis together. Kelly says that she's looking for Bristol to bring her big heart and hard work to their reinterpretation. I also enjoy how Kelly has stuck up for Bristol in the press. I was just going to say that Kelly is a class act, but then I realized that I'm talking about Kelly Fucking Osborne, and I love that she's got a filthy mouth and everything, but I wouldn't call her a class act. Anyway, this was actually a really good choice for Bristol, because it plays to her strengths, and she gets to be in hold most of the time.

Well, it's okay. Bristol looks like a ship being steered around the floor. Her problem is that she can't sustain it. She starts out well, and then has a little stumble, and she forgets to smile for a while. And then she gets back on track but she forgets a step or something and can't put it together. One thing I loved about Kelly is that she would screw up but soldier on, and Bristol can't seem to do that. Maybe it's because she doesn't have a performing background. I don't know. Carrie Ann tells Bristol that she has the power to touch them, but she's a little detached still. Kelly (inadvertently) says that Bristol had big shoes to fill but she did fantastic. Len compliments the choreography and tells Bristol she had good footwork. Bruno thinks Bristol moves well, and he appreciated the content, even if the chemistry wasn't quite there. Scores: Kelly 9, Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Mark and Bristol seem thrilled, and I'm happy that Kelly didn't give her a 10 because come on.

The next judge is Helio. Didn't he go to jail or something? I never liked that guy. Please no one go back and read my recaps from that season and determine that I loved him. I hope I didn't. The dance that will be reimagined is Helio's quickstep, because he didn't have any other good dances. I mean, really. How did he win? Helio says he's going to be looking for smooth on top and fast on the bottom, and Rick and Cheryl will be the ones to make that happen, hopefully. Rick's girlfriend, Eliza Dushku, shows up in rehearsals to help him get into the mood. She encourages him to be funny and goofy (but not crazy) so his face doesn't get too stern. So does it work?

It's interesting because Helio and Julianne were tiny, tiny people, and Rick gets this dance to do, even though he's a giant. I don't think the quickstep is his dance. He does manage to be funny and goofy with his facial expressions, but it seems like there is an awful lot of him standing around and not doing footwork. It's not too fast down below, even if it is smooth up above. It lacks the energy of the original. Len loves that Rick enjoyed himself. Bruno loved the faces. Helio talks mostly about himself and how they stole his moves. No one cares, Helio. Carrie Ann thinks it was his best dance by far. Hmm. I guess they didn't see the parts where he was just standing there doing nothing? Scores: Helio 10, Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Rick is so happy. It's cute. I feel like Rick would be fun to hang out with, even if he's not a great dancer.

Gilles Marini is back to judge someone performing his iconic foxtrot. Oh, Gilles. I miss you. You were smoking hot. I seriously can't believe he didn't win. He was SO good. He says that he'll be looking for sensuality from Brandy and Maks. Mmm. I don't know about that. In rehearsals, Brandy continues to talk about how badly she wants to win, like no one else really cares. And I think maybe she's putting a little too much weight on this contest in her life. It's freaking me out and it's kind of a turnoff.

So how's their foxtrot? The thing I love is that Brandy is acting like a cat, and it's really song and costume-appropriate. She really got into that character. And she looks sexy. I don't know that she looks like she's into Maks all that much, but she looks like she wants the audience to be into her. Bruno thought it was sexy, but he did spot a mistake. Gilles tells her that it was unreal. Carrie Ann liked that transition from elegance to sexiness. Len jokes that everyone else is being too pedantic about a slight screw up since it was a fantastic foxtrot. But he really did love it. Scores: Gilles 9, Carrie Ann 9, Len 10, and Bruno 9. Wow. That's the first time in memory that Len has scored higher than everyone else. Maks looks really pleased, at least until Brooke screws up and says that he's been to the finals twice when it's actually three times. Oops. She's horrible.

And finally, Drew Lachey is back to judge a recreation of his perfectly-scored tango. Wow, Cheryl looked like crap back in the day. It kind of explains why I thought she was like forty, and she's really quite young. Drew says that he's going to be looking for technique and attitude, and he wants Derek and Jennifer to interpret the music. In rehearsals, Jennifer reveals that she's hurting a lot and her body is giving out. And she is really bruised. And I think a lot of people over the age of thirty can relate to the idea that you want to do things and your body just won't let you, and it's frustrating. I know I can. I wonder if Jennifer had done this show a few seasons ago

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Dancing With The Stars




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