Okay, the next contestant is the one most people haven't heard of, but I have. He's "Psycho" Mike Catherwood, who now hosts Loveline with Dr. Drew. He knows he's not well known, so that's something. And he's partnered with Lacey. Oh, Lacey. She seems to be growing out her bad dye job from last season, and she should really get those ends cut off and dye the rest her natural color, because it looks HORRIBLE. Does she know that she's on national television? Anyway, based on their rehearsals, he's not good. And he knows it. Does self-deprecation count for anything?
So their foxtrot. How is it? Well, he's crazy pigeon-toed, though that didn't seem to hurt Kyle last season. He has two problems: he's not good, and he has no fanbase. So I'm not going to get too attached. He's not embarrassingly bad. He moves around the floor well, and he tries to put some performance into it. But his feet are awful and he has no rhythm, and Lacey is dragging him around the floor. Judges? Len nails it when he says that dancing is movement to music, and he was moving and there was music, but it wasn't dancing. He advises Mike to do better next week if he wants to stay. Bruno acknowledges that it's hard the first time out, but he didn't have any flow. Carrie Ann thinks the others are being too hard, and she knows that he wasn't great but they had a tough dance. Mike looks really sad; I don't know if he hates the judges' critiques or if he's disappointed in himself. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 4. Oof. Mike makes a joke that he beat the scores of his father, Master P. Aw. I hate Lacey but I like Mike.
And the final dancer of the night is Kirstie Alley. Here are my thoughts on Kirstie Alley, because I know you care. I want to like her. But she tries SO HARD and it's exhausting. I don't feel like she's ever being genuine. She has this persona of the good time girl who's a little raunchy and a little wacky and LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME! And hasn't she grown out of that yet? With the weight loss and the weight gain and the Oprah and the Scientology and the "big one" acceptance speeches and the hair and the boobs and I'm tired already. Anyway, her partner is Maks, who is the only one who could handle her. I can't believe she's 60 though. In rehearsal, Kirstie has trouble keeping up with Maks, but who wouldn't?