Dancing With The Stars

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Bittersweet Symphony

The rock and roll violinist is back to play "Walk This Way" with the orchestra. He still hasn't shaved. Did he forget to pack a razor? Oh, he's also wearing untied combat boots. That's so edgy. In 1992. When Singles came out. I hate when people try to be edgy in a really square profession, which is probably why Mark Ballas bugs the everloving fuck out of me. Like just own that you have a cheesy job, but you do it really well and it's uncool but so what? It's cooler to go whole hog into an uncool thing than to try to make something that's inherently uncool (violin, ballroom dancing) edgy and modern. That's what I think. Oh, the pro troupe dances to the song. I probably should mention that.

Brooke and Tom welcome us and then we launch right into the rehash of last night. They show Mark's stupid sorting hat again and I want to knock it off his head. He is the WORST! I want to punch his smug little face. I hate that Mark and Chelsea were the top scorers of the night. Hines and Kym did well, and Hines was cheered on by some of his teammates. Ralph and Karina did a lovely waltz. A friend who claims to know these things tells me that Ralph does NOT wear a hairpiece. So I will stop saying that he does. But he should really hire a better hairdresser then, because his hair looks like a wig, and that's not good. Anyway, after the break, we will learn the fates of those three couples.

After the break, Brooke and Tom are ready to tell us if Chelsea, Hines, and Ralph are safe. Turns out that Ralph is safe, and so is Hines. Kym is shocked. Really? She's shocked? Chelsea and Mark are in jeopardy. This is so dumb. This "jeopardy" thing means nothing. It means that the producers decided that these two should wait to hear their results. Unless they're going home (which I doubt), they might have even received the most votes of anyone. We don't know. Dumb. And a cheap ploy. Anyway, these two are doing the encore dance. Here's the thing: Chelsea is a lovely dancer. I don't know if she's technically better than the rest, because Mark doesn't give her enough to do. He keeps all eyes on himself with flashy stunts and gives himself all the interesting parts. So she might be awesome, but how would I know? As far as I've seen, she handles some pretty basic choreography very well. Could she do more? That's up to Mark to let us see.

Then there's a clip package where Len pretends to be Patton and stands in front of a giant flag (or green screen) and addresses all of the contestants (who are dressed in fatigues). He announces that next week is All-American Week, and they'll be doing patriotic dances. This was a lot funnier when Adam Carolla did it. This is just boring. Snore. Also, I'm pretty sure Kendra wasn't in that footage. She was the only one. The others were all there. What do you think that means? Nothing? What did she have to do that was more important?

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Dancing With The Stars

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