Dancing With The Stars

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Heavy Petra-ing

Last night was "a star spangled extravaganza." Ralph fell short of expectations while Hines rose to the top like the proverbial cream. It's still a dead heat between the competitors, and Kirstie engaged the powers of Xenu and John Travolta himself to keep from another onstage mishap. But what rockets and ramparts will the patriotic dances bring tonight?

We recap the two couples who didn't fall into a three-way tie last night -- Hines and Kym, and Kirstie and Maks. We start with Kirstie's writhing and lack of shoe-losing. We're reminded of Hines' superior hip action, which earned the couple's highest score yet. And, for the record, Australian Kym is not proud to be an American. But who is safe, and who might go home? As expected, Hines and Kym are safe, leaving Kirstie and Maks in the bottom.

Tom asks Len who he'd like to see again. Len says all the judges agreed they'd like to see Romeo and Chelsie's fox trot to "New York, New York." Both of them are having a ball this time, even though Chelsie manages to lose an earring in her own hair. Romeo in particular is much more relaxed -- go figure. This moment definitely shows his progression throughout the season.

It's time for Toby Keith's performance. For the record, I didn't know this was part of the deal when I signed up to recap this week. Regardless, he's performing "Shoulda Been a Cowboy" with the help of the Dancing with the Stars troupe. There's not much to note since it's mainly him strumming his guitar and about 64 counts of standard country-tinged ballroom dancing, though there's one section when they throw the lady dancer under about five people's legs. It's the Evel Knievel of ballroom dancing!

Next, Brooke interviews the three couples who tied for second place. Chelsea, if she advances, is looking forward to the challenge of the quickstep next week. Romeo jokes that he's going to "get [his] Scarface on" and Hines may come up missing. Chris makes fun of Romeo for his gangster accent. We're reminded of their individual dances as the three couples head to the stage for the results. Chelsea and Mark are the first to learn they're staying in the competition. Romeo and Chelsie are also staying. Which leaves Chris and Cheryl in the bottom.

Then there's a stupid package about the conspiracy riddling the show. Mike Catherwood (a.k.a. that guy we don't remember anymore) introduces clips of Hines farting and Chelsea losing her bra. Kirstie berates Maks for being too cocky. He insists he's not, then describes himself as "sex on a stick -- a stick that's been dipped in a boiling pot of sex." We also get clips of Bruno and Carrie Ann being big old prissypants, which annoys the bejesus out of Len. Finally, we get a clip of Mike showing his underwear. He pretends to be angry, but he got three free minutes out of the fact that he sucked and didn't have fans, so I'd say he's ahead.

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Dancing With The Stars

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