Where does Kirstie come from? She's a small town girl from Kansas. She admits that she did a lot of cocaine in her 20s, and she hit rock bottom and got cleaned up. She moved to Hollywood and found success, but then she got divorced and decided to just be a great mom, which meant cooking and baking. So she got fat. Because that's how people gain weight. They bake cookies every week. It has nothing to do with, you know, emotional eating or unresolved trauma or whatever. Her explanation seems a bit oversimplified, but I've always thought that Kirstie has some serious body image issues. Yes, I am a licensed therapist and I am diagnosing her based on her Oprah appearances and a few articles I read in various magazines. How dare you question me! Anyway, she's going to do the paso doble, and damned if she isn't going to wear a crazy headband while doing it. I wish someone would call Kirstie on the fact that she has the same Elvis sneer on her face through every dance. I find it very distracting. And I don't know what this paso doble is, but it's like none I've ever seen before. It kind of looks like a foxtrot or something. Very tame. Where is the aggression? The bullfighter and the cape? It's... not good. It didn't help that the song was "White Room" by Cream.

Bruno saw fire and power. Carrie Ann calls her the queen of the paso doble. Really? Len thinks Kirstie had the two toughest dances this week, and she did fabulous with both of them. Really? Seriously? I thought that was so boring. It was fine, technically, but boring. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.

Let's look back on Chelsea's long life. She was a creative kid and she did drama camp. Then she auditioned for Jonas and got it. What a long, tough struggle. I'm so inspired. Anyway, they have the rumba. If anyone says the words "vertical expression of a horizontal desire," I'm throwing something through the TV. Chelsea looks great and I'm actually buying the sexiness for once. I don't love the choreography -- the routine doesn't feel finished, somehow. But it was a good rumba.