Dancing With The Stars
Season 13 Performance 4: Results

Episode Report Card
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Chynna Syndrome

Because they didn't wedge in enough movie references last night, the opening voice-over tonight is done in Star Wars text crawl style. I think this show needs new writers. The voiceover script is so hacky. I'm not saying I could do better, but I think someone could! Hire some writers, show. Now I'm going to watch the credits and see who the writers are, and then probably feel bad for dissing them.

Raphael Saadiq is on hand to perform "Soul Man." He's a Grammy winner. I don't know who he is. Sometimes this show does actually introduce me to artists and then I'm impressed and I go download a few songs. But this guy does not impress me, at least not on this song. His voice is way too thin. I just watched five singers from last night's episode of The Sing-Off that could KILL this song. I am enjoying the dancers pretending to play the horns, though. Do you think those are real horns or fake prop horns? I would think a real saxophone would be heavy for dancing purposes. I used to play the saxophone and I was in marching band and that shit got heavy after a while. Anyway, good song, but the singer wasn't my cup. Wait a minute. I just looked this guy up, and he was in Tony! Toni! Tone! Wasn't he already on this show? I remember looking this guy up before. Hey, he was on the show before. And I loved him! Must just be the song, then.

You guys, I don't know what Brooke Burke CHAR-VAAAAAAY is wearing tonight but I think it was in style like five years ago. It's a pink dress with black details and I remember going to a Parade of Homes like five years ago and every girl's room was done in those colors. And in this sort of faux Chanel style. Anyway, Susan Boyle is here to sing "Unchained Melody" and either you like this lady or you don't, and I don't, so that's all I'm going to say about that. Well, except to add that it has nothing to do with what she looks like. Oh, and Val is dancing AGAIN and it's a rumba AGAIN and I'm about done with seeing sweaty Val dance the rumba. Please stop doing that, show.

Time for some reviews and results. Or R 'n' R, as I like to call it. Actually, I've never called it that. I can't lie to you people. Cheryl thought that Carrie Ann had a crush on Rob, and he's more concerned with finding out if she's single than hearing more about what Cheryl thought about the judging. JR wonders if Carrie Ann has ever seen The Pink Panther, since she objected to the comedy in the routine and the movie is a comedy. The man has a point. We get to see behind the scrim for Derek and Ricki's routine, which is kind of cool. As soon as it ended, Bruno just blurted out, "Ten." And then told Tom it was amazing. Seriously, I think if Bruno could have mated with that routine, he would have. And I think the scores are honestly tributes to Dereks' choreography more than Ricki's dancing. I don't know if she realizes that.

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Dancing With The Stars




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