Dancing With The Stars
Season 14, Performance 1

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Did He Do That?

It's been exactly six months since the last season premiered, so I hope you're feeling rested. It's time for another season of Dancing with the Stars! Brooke and Tom introduce the new season from the balcony and they're standing right in front of an audience member who is awkwardly staring at the back of Brooke's head because what else can she do, and she was obviously coached not to look at the camera. It's awesome. She just stares blankly and then smiles and starts clapping to the music and meanwhile Brooke is practically on top of her and it's all horrible and yet incredible. That was my favorite thing that's happened so far this season. You know, in the first three minutes.

The new couples are introduced (more about them later), as well as the band. Alumni Kyle Whatever His Name Is From Disney and Joey Fat One are in the audience. Tom claims that we've all been clamoring for some of these stars. We have? Actually, I have kind of been clamoring for Jack Wagner. Brooke explains that no one will be eliminated this week. Instead, they will all dance again next Monday and then someone will be eliminated next Tuesday. I appreciate that. First of all, it lets me ease into the season. And second, if someone just totally effs up their first dance due to nerves, they get a second chance. On the other hand, we have to keep the dead weight around longer, which is a bit of a drag.

First up are TV host Maria Menounos and her partner Derek Hough. I'm just going to lay out my preconceived notions about each contestant and see if they are confirmed or shattered. I actually like Maria Menounos, even though her show, Extra, is made of unicorn tears and landfill. All I really know about her is that she's been on Howard Stern's show a few times and she always seemed game and in on the joke. That goes a long way with me. Obviously, she's hot. But she seems to get it. She seems a little bit smart. Prove me wrong, Maria. IN their roll-in package, Derek says that he wants as many trophies as he has chest hairs. Pause. "And that's four." Okay, that was funny.

Rehearsal! Maria says that she's very athletic, and she plays football and hockey, so she's like a dude with boobs. And then they focus on her laugh, which is AWFUL. I almost don't like her because her laugh is so horrible. Anyway, they are doing the cha cha. And dancing to one of my favorite artists, Kelly Clarkson, and her hit "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You (Stronger)." I saw Kelly in concert last month. Incredible. Anyway, it must be really hard to go first, and Maria did not embarrass herself. She got all the steps right. Once in a while there was hip action. She forgot to bend her knees for the first section, and then there was some weird stiffness in her midsection, like her spine is fused or something. Not a lot of musicality there. But she shows promise, if she can loosen up a bit. Do a shot before the routine, maybe.

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Dancing With The Stars

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