Dancing With The Stars
Season 14, Performance 4

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Soft Rock

It's Rock Week? Kim left and I'm stuck with the house band attempting to do rock songs, and watching these pseudo celebrities try to look edgy? God help me. I hope she's thoroughly enjoying her vacation.

KISS is opening the show, and well, that's what it is. They are in full makeup and I have hard time watching this after watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels and seeing how he acted. I just know too much, I prefer some mystery to my rock stars (except Bret Michaels; I always want to know more about his ass). Also, Gene's voice isn't holding up well.

Halfway through "Rock and Roll All Nite," the pro troupe comes out with some red chairs and their own made-up faces and does a routine that would be fit for a strip club. I can't even begin to figure out who is who under all the hair and makeup, but the girls have metal chains and are wearing fishnets and bikinis, so I doubt anyone's really looking at much else. Way to start this family show with some appropriate dancing for all ages.

The judges all have paddles that say 11, even though that's Spinal Tap and not KISS. This really doesn't bode well for tonight. And we're told that KISS will also be back tomorrow night, for whatever that's worth. I'm far more interested in the fact that they're touring with Motley Crüe. It takes me back to my well spent youth thinking about shouting at the devil with all the power that a suburban white girl could muster. The couples are introduced, and Gavin's still got a hat on. I'm telling you, that's what's keeping him in the bottom. It's a turn off.

Sherri's up first, and Tom promises (threatens) that she'll be doing a tango to Quiet Riot. Val's excited to be doing a song that he loves by "Quiet Noise." Sherri, who does hang loose instead of devil horns, has to correct him. Oh, how I already hate rock week. In the studio, the dance seems to be a lot of him taking his shirt off, which she's very excited about, and because he's related to Maks, must be second nature. She talks about their contentious love/hate silly relationship. She thinks this will translate well to the tango. But then the cameras show that he's written her last name along his knuckles in an attempt to look rebellious and I lose all hope.

They seem to have gone all out with the pyrotechnics this week, or at least there are four giant flames on the stair cases that flank the band. Tom says that he understands that "Cum on Feel the Noize" is a big hit at strip clubs, but says he doesn't know from firsthand experience. Oh just own it, Tom. The girl singing this is dreadful, but I have to remind myself that I am not recapping The Voice tonight and am supposed to pay attention to the dancing.

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Dancing With The Stars

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