It's the first results show! And it's... two hours long? What the fudge? A results show should be like five minutes long. Given the constraints of television, I would allow thirty minutes. Have a recap of the previous night, have an encore dance, have a live musical/dance performance, and then announce who's going home. But two effing hours? Why you do me wrong, Tom Bergeron?
Anyway, were these new opening credits or did I just not notice them last night? Anyway, it's a take on the Bat Signal, with the Dancing with the Stars logo appearing in the sky and the various contestants responding to the call. It's actually creative and interesting, not two adjectives I generally associate with this show, so kudos.
Hey, what did the audience in the studio think about last night's show? Especially the friends and relatives of the people dancing? No one cares. That's what they thought.
Tom introduces three couples, and they get the big intro music and walk down the stairs and then that's it? It feels really weird. I guess we're going to ask each contestant why he or she decided to be on the show again. Bristol has to remind us how persecuted she is, because it's not like she didn't put herself in the public eye, right? Oh, she did. Okay. Anyway, Bristol says that she wanted to prove that she works hard and deserves to be there. And then we get a clip (that we saw part of last night) of Mark teaching Bristol where he mostly talks about her ass while Bristol rolls her eyes.
Why did Kelly Monaco return? I love how they don't even show Kelly's partner when they show old clips from her original season. It was Alec, who hasn't been on the show since season nine, and must be persona non grata with the producers or something. He's married to Edyta, who also dropped off the face of the earth when she left the show. Anyway, Kelly says that she came back because she missed dancing. And Val didn't know she was on General Hospital or what General Hospital is. You'd think he'd look it up when he found out who his partner was going to be.
How about Pamela Anderson? She wants to learn to dance better and she loves to perform. Tom interviews her and Pamela seems really sincere about vowing to work harder and rehearse more because she really wants to stay.
So let's bring out the next group of three: Joey Fatone, Apolo Ohno, and Drew Lachey. First up is Joey, who wanted to return because he wants to win after coming in second. Here's the important clip we needed to expand the results show to see: Joey and Kym moved a photo of the judges out of their rehearsal studio, and replaced it with a picture of themselves. Wow, that was so interesting that I zzzzzzzzzzz.