Dancing With The Stars
Season 15 Performance 1: Results

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The Last Five Minutes

Finally, some results! Joey and Kym had to go first and Joey was nervous and contemplating a bunch of different bodily functions. Karina was thrilled with how Apolo did, and she was impressed that Carrie Ann thought Apolo was sexy even with his pink suspenders. Mark's comments to Bristol during their routine were all about how hard she needed to shake it. Derek made some more short comments to Shawn right before she went on and I'm glad that she's obviously so over that bullshit and lets him know it. So in this group, who is safe and who's in jeopardy? Joey, Shawn, and Apolo are all safe. Bristol is in jeopardy.

Pitbull is here to do his Pitbull thing. You know. He's wearing tight black pants and sunglasses and yelling into a microphone. If you've seen him live once, you've seen him a million times. Halfway through the song, some giant light-up robot on stilts comes out on stage and starts shooting steam guns? I swear I didn't just hallucinate that. This routine is probably a lot of fun if you are in the studio, but here at home, I'm just waiting for more results.

Hey, more interviews. That's what everyone at home is dying to see. I did get a chuckle because while Helio is being interviewed, you can see Peta behind him checking her phone. Heh. Here's what I learned from those interviews: everyone is nervous.

More results, finally! Helio screwed up his routine but still got pretty good scores for some reason. Joey and Drew made an agreement to get to the top three together and then decide who would win. Is this Survivor? I'm predicting a bromance storyline for those two, with a boy band twist. Anyway, Drew totally screwed up his footwork and the judges didn't mention it, so he was psyched. And then he high fived Anna really hard and she looked genuinely pissed. How about Kelly? She was cursing up a storm backstage and that made me like her more. And then she and Val did a hand clapping game while looking at the camera instead of each other and I was actually impressed. That shit is hard. Anyway, what are the results for this group? Helio and Kelly are safe and Drew and Anna are in jeopardy. Wow, really? Then again, they haven't said this was the bottom three or whatever yet. This could all be a ploy to remind us to vote for our favorites.

What would it feel like to be the first one eliminated, according to the stars? Well, it's even harder this time around, and the expectations are higher. And anyone could go home. So I've learned nothing. You?

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Dancing With The Stars

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