It's time for the big (not biggest, but big) reveal. The third place team is...Laila and Maksim. I agree with that actually. Laila pretends like she doesn't want to come down from the stage. Tom asks what she'll take with her. Laila says that she had a lot of fun getting to know everyone, and enjoyed the crew as well. Laila adds that she's pissed. Can you say that on television? Hey, let's watch a clip package about Laila's journey.
There's still about forty-five minutes left. What in the hell are they going to do to fill this time? Dance Center? COME ON!
Oh, the eliminated contestants are returning for one last dance. Or segment of a dance. I think Paulina got a raw deal. She was really so much worse than Billy Ray? I know, she just didn't have the fan base. Why is Shandi's partner dressed like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas? This whole segment is reminding me why these people got eliminated in the first place.
Oh, goody! More eliminated contestants! Heather Mills had no business making it as far as she did. Who in the hell was voting for her? Oh, John Ratzenberger. I think I loved you best of all, but I didn't appreciate you because I kind of hate your partner and also I was too busy hating Billy Ray. I hope they don't interview Billy Ray and give him the opportunity to say heel-billy again. Speaking of Billy Ray, he's wearing a mullet, which would look ridiculous except that it's exactly what he looked like back in the day. Ian revives his Elvis routine. He's about ten thousand times more relaxed than he ever was while he was competing. He could have made it to the finals if he were this relaxed. And wow, those are some tight pants he's wearing.
Jimmy Kimmel. Guillermo dressed as a lady. Fake dancing DVD informercial. Ha? Okay, there's one funny bit where Clay Aiken pretends like he wants to buy Guillermo's mustache, only because it's funny to see Clay Aiken wearing a dorky mustache. The sad thing is that Tom has to announce that the DVD isn't real, because you know ABC's message boards would be overrun with people wondering where to buy the thing.
Tom asks the eliminated celebrities what they will miss least about being on the show. Paulina won't miss being judged. Shandi won't miss the pain. Leeza won't miss vowing to do better. Clyde won't miss the long practices. Heather misses the point and says she'll miss Tom the most. John asks for Tom's job. Billy Ray plugs his album. Ian is totally a rules-follower and says he won't miss the shoes that hurt his feet. Laila says she's still in shock over third place and can't answer questions. Samantha promises that she won't let Tom leave the show, like A) she has any say over it and B) she wouldn't be the one to leave if someone got canned.