You think the American Idol results show is bloated? You don't know bloated, baby. And I'm not talking about Joey Fatone. Well, not entirely.

Isn't Sam Harris pregnant? How is her waist so small? Even if she's just a little pregnant, she's pregnant enough to announce it publicly. I don't get it. Ooh, Tom Bergeron just yelled out "Liiiiiiiiiiive!" in the same manner in which a zombie yells out "Braaaaaaains!" Actually, if he were a zombie, that would explain a lot of things about that weird FOX morning show he did with the puppets.

Okay, even though they just showed a one-hour recap show right before this, they are now doing yet another recap. John Ratzenberger can only laugh about Bruno calling his dance "the best worst samba." Clyde giggles at being told he's the worst dancer in the competition. Ha! I missed Billy Ray's partner's reaction to him talking about his romantic nights in a Chevy. She bugged out her eyes and then rolled them. It was pretty awesome. Let's relive Heather's traumatic fall! If by "traumatic" you mean "staged" and also "kind of fantastic." Wow, I also missed Joey and Len making swishy gestures and kisses to each other after Len called Joey feminine. I wonder how Lance Bass felt about that display. Laila has quite the deep voice. I was looking down when she started talking and I thought it was Maksim speaking at first.

Do you think Tom Bergeron hates himself? I think he hates himself. He took this shitty hosting job, probably thinking that he'd make a quick buck and no one would ever actually watch the show. I mean, really. Dancing? With the stars? How long could that last? And yet, four seasons and some huge ratings later, here we are.

The judges make their request for yet another viewing of Apolo and Julianne's samba. Hey, I get to see it with sound this time! Something about all the pelvic swirling in the samba seems obscene. It makes me very uncomfortable to watch. Like when your drunk uncle starts trying to grind like a teenager at your cousin's wedding reception. So Apolo and Julianne dance, and it's pretty much the same as last night. Yawn.