Dancing With The Stars
Season 4 Performance #5: Results

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Season 4 Performance #5: Results

You think the American Idol results show is bloated? You don't know bloated, baby. And I'm not talking about Joey Fatone. Well, not entirely.

Isn't Sam Harris pregnant? How is her waist so small? Even if she's just a little pregnant, she's pregnant enough to announce it publicly. I don't get it. Ooh, Tom Bergeron just yelled out "Liiiiiiiiiiive!" in the same manner in which a zombie yells out "Braaaaaaains!" Actually, if he were a zombie, that would explain a lot of things about that weird FOX morning show he did with the puppets.

Okay, even though they just showed a one-hour recap show right before this, they are now doing yet another recap. John Ratzenberger can only laugh about Bruno calling his dance "the best worst samba." Clyde giggles at being told he's the worst dancer in the competition. Ha! I missed Billy Ray's partner's reaction to him talking about his romantic nights in a Chevy. She bugged out her eyes and then rolled them. It was pretty awesome. Let's relive Heather's traumatic fall! If by "traumatic" you mean "staged" and also "kind of fantastic." Wow, I also missed Joey and Len making swishy gestures and kisses to each other after Len called Joey feminine. I wonder how Lance Bass felt about that display. Laila has quite the deep voice. I was looking down when she started talking and I thought it was Maksim speaking at first.

Do you think Tom Bergeron hates himself? I think he hates himself. He took this shitty hosting job, probably thinking that he'd make a quick buck and no one would ever actually watch the show. I mean, really. Dancing? With the stars? How long could that last? And yet, four seasons and some huge ratings later, here we are.

The judges make their request for yet another viewing of Apolo and Julianne's samba. Hey, I get to see it with sound this time! Something about all the pelvic swirling in the samba seems obscene. It makes me very uncomfortable to watch. Like when your drunk uncle starts trying to grind like a teenager at your cousin's wedding reception. So Apolo and Julianne dance, and it's pretty much the same as last night. Yawn.

Next week is the first group routine and it's swing dancing. I'm putting my money on Heather Mills (if she's still around) trying to do a cartwheel. But first we get to see the pros do a routine to...hey, what a shocker! "Zoot Suit Riot"! I'm having mid-'90s flashbacks. Remember those Gap khakis commercials and how amazing we all thought the bullet time was? We were so young. Dude, the dancers just formed a kick line. The hell? Is this my high school's cheerleading squad doing a pom-pom routine? I know it's not, because the song would be "Livin' On a Prayer." I just dated myself. One thing that always cracks me up about this show is the piss-poor camera work. Like, the grand finale of the dance just happened, and suddenly the camera swung over so it was focusing on... nothing? On the side of the stage?

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Dancing With The Stars

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