Dancing With The Stars
Season 4 Performance #5: Results

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Season 4 Performance #5: Results

Samantha is backstage to ask Heather Mills about her big tumble. I can't even understand what Heather is saying. And then Samantha asks her how she gets back up after she falls, and I think she was speaking metaphorically, but Heather answers that she just jumps up. Man, she is as dumb as a box of hair. Then Sam asks Joey about his feminine side, and he shows off his bunny slippers. I don't know. Moving on to Apolo, he...says nothing of substance. Next!

Ooh, the audience reaction. Mrs. Brady thought the competition exploded. Various people talk about how awesome Apolo is, including Mrs. Brady, who has the hots for him. One guy thinks it's "ri-dick-a-lus" that John didn't get better scores. Mrs. Brady almost cried when Heather fell. I think the Wesson Oil has gone to her brain. And then they throw in enough comments about who might go this week that we're left with the impression that anyone could go, thus negating all the comments that came before.

Now it's time to find out which two couples will definitely return. The first is Laila and Max (Maks?). The second is John and Edyta. Holy crap! I did not see that coming! I don't know why they're pretending that Apolo and Julianne are in trouble. Please. Hee! Then they tease Lisa Rinna and Macy Gray coming up, and Lisa Rinna does a smooch to the camera, so Macy Gray tries to do the same thing and ends up practically falling asleep mid-pucker.

Tom and Sam announce that Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin will be starring in the musical "Chicago," so Lisa's here to sing "Roxie." She sings with a cadre of half-naked men, and at one point they lift her up, and I would think if she were going to perform that move, she might wear a longer dress. Isn't she a little old to be playing this part? I always thought of Roxie Hart as more of a fresh-faced ingénue. Anyway, her singing is not bad, but she's way too overtly sexual for my taste. Plus, I saw way too much of her underwear. Tom announces that we can see her on Broadway soon. Presumably, we can also see her underwear on Broadway.

Sam interviews the safe couples. John thinks the baby boomers are voting for him, and he plugs his book at the same time. Laila thinks that she and Maks have the potential to get a perfect score in the future, and she compliments Apolo's performance.

Jimmy Kimmel is here to give us a dance lesson. He announces that Jennifer Lopez has asked him and Guillermo to be in her next music video. Was that a shot at Idol? Anyway, Jimmy and Guillermo try to do the swing, but they get in an argument about who sucks more. This leads to Guillermo sobbing in the ladies' room while being held by Joey Fatone. I don't know what demographic this is supposed to be appealing to anymore. I used to think it was old ladies and children, but seriously? What in the hell was that?

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Dancing With The Stars

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