Len is the first judge to speak, and he wants them to take their dancing to the next level. I used to have a boss who always talked about the next level, and it just made me think of Super Mario Brothers. I don't think that's what he meant. Bruno and Carrie Ann don't have much to say, except that Ian is too much in his head. Does anyone care what the dancers say backstage while waiting for their scores? They get three 8s for a total of 24 out of 30. Samantha reminds us that we get eight votes per phone line and email address. My friend's grandmother actually hit the limit in the first season every week. She overvoted. I should see if I could get some commentary from her for these wee-caps. She's a hoot.
I really hate the "candid" backstage shots while going to commercial. And in that last one, Apolo Anton Ohno, who I normally like, was doing an asstastic move with his hands and just generally looked like a douche. Oh, Apolo.
Clyde and Elena are up next. Last week, the judges accused Clyde of not trying. This week, Clyde had to go to China, so Elena joined him so that they could practice. They had some wacky international hijinks, as well as international dancing. Still no sound, by the way. By the captioning, I can tell that they are dancing to "What's Going On," which is not a sexy song at all. Elena is wearing some sort of feathered fox tail. She's a closet furry! Clyde does a move where he crouches and slides one leg out, and he almost topples over. This is really bad. I mean, worse than Clyde's usual. He's just standing there, and he's not even doing that well.
Bruno says it was like "a rhumba under an anesthetic." Carrie Ann actually lays it all out there and tells Clyde that he's the worst dancer in the competition. Len didn't hate it so much, because he feels like Clyde tried. And then there's some craziness where Bruno and Carrie Ann start pounding their hands on the table, and I think they are saying that Clyde clomps through the steps, but it also could have been a demonstration of how to knead pizza dough. One or the other. Without sound, it's tough to tell. The judges give really low scores: 4, 5, and 4 for a total of 13 out of 30. Yikes. They really want Clyde to go home.
Okay, I still don't have sound, and this show just got a million times more surreal. They cut to Heather and Jonathan, and she's using a lint roller on his bare chest. The hell? I cannot stand Heather Mills, and I realize I'm not alone in that sentiment, but I kind of want to marry her PR agent for orchestrating this image makeover. Oh, dear. I've paused the show for a second and Heather has a very visible fake tan line at the top of her forehead. She needs to adjust the shower cap she wears while getting a Mystic Tan. Or get a better makeup artist. Anyway, Heather convinces Jonathan to shave his chest, which I guess explains the lint roller, but it's still boring. Anyway, you've all seen The 40-Year-Old Virgin so you can guess how the rest of this segment goes.