Dancing With The Stars
Season 4 Performance #6

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Season 4 Performance #6

I bet before the season began, the producers were trying to figure out who would be the designated hunk, and I bet they thought it would be Joey Fatone (following in the footsteps of boy band alumni like Joey McIntire and Drew Lachey). And yet, somehow, it's kind of Apolo Anton Ohno for most people, isn't it? I'm partial to Ian Ziering, as previously mentioned, but I know a lot of people dig Apolo.

Anyway, the dancers are introduced, and they manage to match up the chyrons with the right people this week, but...holy crap, look at Heather Mills's boobs! Where did those come from? And why are they so lopsided? First celebrity audience sighting: Norm!

First up this week are Joey and Kym. Last week, the judges thought Joey was too feminine, and in his interview, Joey makes the unfortunate decision to react to the judges with a limp-wrist joke. As they practice the samba, Kym tries to help Joey look manlier, so she brings in Jerry Springer to consult. And then Joey and Jerry both take off their shirts, and I think Jerry has a better body, but I can't believe I just looked at that, and now I have to go throw up.

Oh! Joey and Kym are dancing to Erasure! "Respect"! They just won my vote if only for the song. I see now why Joey usually wears longer coats and shirts – he really is quite thick in the middle. Oh, JC Chasez is in the audience. Do you think Justin will ever actually show up? It's amazing how quickly Justin emerged head and shoulders above the rest of his bandmates once they split up. Let's see what the judges think. Len calls it "swashbuckling," and then there are some more limp-wrist jokes. And then Bruno calls Joey "a randy fighting cockerel." A Wholahay? Carrie Ann thought it was a great performance, although Joey's footwork needed some help. They get 9, 9, and 9, for a total of 27 out of 30. Pretty good!

Heather and Jonathan are up next. I know it's been said many times, many ways, but "charity campaigner"? That makes me want to kick her right in her fake leg. And hey, let's revisit Heather's fall eight million times to try to drum up some more sympathy. This week, Heather had to go to London to see her daughter, so she didn't have a lot of time to learn the paso doble. Boo hoo. Heather decides that, since she is dancing to "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina," she should base her attitude on Eva Peron. I...don't know what to do with that information. So Jonathan and Heather go to visit the woman who plays Eva Peron in the London production of "Evita," and they get to practice on the set of the musical.

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Dancing With The Stars

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