Next up are Helio Castroneves and Julianne Hough. I don't know if you've heard, but Helio has won the Indy 500 twice. He has a lot of teeth. Julianne has aged since last season. It might be her Farrah hair. While they are training, Helio gets in a crash during one of his races and hurts his knee. He keeps screwing up, but he says he can't blame his knee because it's really that he doesn't know the steps.
Helio and Julianne start the foxtrot. I like that he's wearing a tuxedo with tails. It's very elegant and he pulls it off. I like Julianne's choreography; it's elegant but also has playful moments, without being cheesy. Usually. They dance to a song called "Bewitched," and at the end, Julianne does the Samantha Stevens nose twitch, which of course looks adorable, because she's like a kitten. Let's find out what the judges think! Carrie Ann thinks Helio is a natural. Bruno calls Helio "the king of charm," and like Carrie Ann, he praises the choreography. Hey, I said that too! I could be a judge on this show. Except that I don't know anything about the rules of ballroom dancing. Len also has only good things to say. They flash to the female competitors, who all look a little worried. The scores are: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9 (!), and Bruno 8. Has Len ever given a higher score than the other two?
Next up is Albert Reed and Anna Trebunskaya. Albert is a male model I've never heard of. Anna has been off the show for two seasons so that she could compete professionally. As they start practicing, Anna gets frustrated at how much Albert likes to goof off. Albert makes a bunch of Zoolander jokes and suggests that they incorporate that into their dance. Anna is game.
So they start doing the cha-cha-cha. Anna rips off his jacket to reveal a shirt cut down to his navel. Hey, play to your strengths. He's not bad. And he doesn't mind making fun of himself, which I always enjoy. For the first week, this is quite good. Lots of energy, and some good moves. The female contestants are practically giving him a standing ovation. Let's hear what the judges think! Len thought he "gyrated, rotated and pulsated," and it was great fun. Bruno thought "the crotch action was like a warp drive." I don't know what that means, but I guess it's good. Carrie Ann is at a loss for words. She realizes that they put on some razzle-dazzle to distract from the lack of dance moves, and Bruno says that no one cared about the lack of dance moves. Scores! They get 7s across the board, which shows that, at least at this stage of the game, the judges are interested in mechanics a little bit. Albert says he doesn't have a big fanbase, but promises that he'll take his shirt off in a few weeks if he stays around. I get what he's going for, but I'm sure there are eight million photos of him available with no shirt on.