Dancing With The Stars
Season 5 Performance #1: Men

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Season 5 Performance #1: Men

Next up is Albert Reed and Anna Trebunskaya. Albert is a male model I've never heard of. Anna has been off the show for two seasons so that she could compete professionally. As they start practicing, Anna gets frustrated at how much Albert likes to goof off. Albert makes a bunch of Zoolander jokes and suggests that they incorporate that into their dance. Anna is game.

So they start doing the cha-cha-cha. Anna rips off his jacket to reveal a shirt cut down to his navel. Hey, play to your strengths. He's not bad. And he doesn't mind making fun of himself, which I always enjoy. For the first week, this is quite good. Lots of energy, and some good moves. The female contestants are practically giving him a standing ovation. Let's hear what the judges think! Len thought he "gyrated, rotated and pulsated," and it was great fun. Bruno thought "the crotch action was like a warp drive." I don't know what that means, but I guess it's good. Carrie Ann is at a loss for words. She realizes that they put on some razzle-dazzle to distract from the lack of dance moves, and Bruno says that no one cared about the lack of dance moves. Scores! They get 7s across the board, which shows that, at least at this stage of the game, the judges are interested in mechanics a little bit. Albert says he doesn't have a big fanbase, but promises that he'll take his shirt off in a few weeks if he stays around. I get what he's going for, but I'm sure there are eight million photos of him available with no shirt on.

Mark Cuban is up next. He explains that he started a site called broadcast.com, which sold for billions of dollars, and now he owns the Dallas Mavericks. He also clearly thinks a lot of himself, and I kind of hate him. His partner is Kym Johnson. Mark reveals to Kym that he'll work hard, but he just had his hip replaced seven weeks ago. How old is he? That doesn't seem like a young man's problem. Maybe he has a congenital problem. I notice that they leave out the part where Mark was a disco dance instructor in college. As they practice, Kym recognizes that Mark is in pain, but he wants to keep going.

So let's see if all that practice paid off. Mark does a lot of mugging for the camera and the judges, and he sings along to "King of the Road" as they dance. He's pretty good, at least in terms of knowing the moves, and he's pretty light on his feet, which is sometimes a problem for the dudes. The mugging has got to stop, though. When they finish, Tom comments that everyone seems to be having a lot of fun tonight. Bruno calls Mark a "bouncing, bionic billionaire" but says that his technique needs work. Carrie Ann thinks Mark needs to work on posture and footwork, but she liked his showmanship. She also tells him to keep his tongue in his mouth. Len thought it was good for someone who is not an entertainer. They, like so many before, get 7s across the board. Kym looks thrilled with those numbers, so I guess she was expecting much less.

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Dancing With The Stars

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