Dancing With The Stars
Season 5 Performance #1: Results

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Season 5 Performance #1: Results

Tom recaps (leave it to the professionals!) that the women came out swinging on Monday night, and the men answered back. Tonight, we find out who will go home first. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Do you think Drew resents the fact that they make him keep reminding the audience that he's just subbing for Samantha? Like at what point does he just get to host without explaining why he's there? Because maybe at that point, he can use the leftover time to explain why he's orange.

Let's see if the male contestants have anything new or interesting to say now that they have performed. Nope, not really. They pretty much say exactly what you would expect. The actual only interesting thing that happens during this segment is that my local station breaks in to say that a tornado was sighted about ten miles from my house. Too bad I wasn't home at the time! I would complain about missing part of the show, but seriously. What could have happened, other than more filler. I'm going to take a guess what happened. Tom and/or Drew spoke to the judges to find out their overall impressions on both the men and the women. Len said something about the bar being raised. Bruno spouted some alliteration. Carrie Ann thought everything was awesome. Drew stuttered and looked orange. Tom made a joke and threw it to commercial break (I hope, because if I'm not missing a commercial break right now, I'm missing a whole lot of show time). Maybe Dolly Parton is singing? I would hate to miss that! Oh, my God! Local weatherman! He is going on and on. We get it! Tornado! Take cover!

Finally! We're back, and I didn't miss Dolly Parton. She's going to sing "9 to 5" which is, like, my favorite Dolly Parton song of all time. Or maybe "Islands in thte Stream," because it also features Kenny Rogers. The pros dance while Dolly sings, and I do some couchdancing, and my dog gives me a dirty look.

Ooh, apparently I missed two of the women being announced safe (I later discovered it was Jennie Garth and Sabrina). Sorry about that. Now it's time for Drew to talk to the men. He asks them how they feel about their chances. Of course, no one says, "I'm totally going to beat these other losers."

And in more useless filler news, the audience gets to sound off. As usual, the editors are careful to include comments praising each person so the net result is that there's no consensus in the audience. Other than the people from The Bachelor, there aren't any celebrity cameos that I notice.

Now we get to hear about two more couples that are definitely continuing to the next round. Those couples are Helio and Julianne, along with Albert and Anna. No shocker there. Drew does some more pointless interviewing backstage. Sabrina is worried that she got the highest first-week score ever, because she's got nowhere to go but down. Jennie says she feels a bit more confident knowing she's through the first round.

Tom announces that we have a special guest: Savion Glover. He's tapping! Kind of tough to recap. He starts out with a timestep and then...I'm totally kidding. I'm not going to recap his steps. I will tell you that, in the sixth grade, I did a tap-dance routine (with a classmate named Dawn) to Billy Joel's "Tell Her About It" in the talent show, and won first place, and got to go to the county talent show, where I lost out to a dance group that had a boy in it. Male dancers were quite the novelty, but I still think we were robbed. I also did a tap routine once to "New York, New York," and of course we finished it off with a kick line, and we were wearing silver spangled top hats (as you do) and the girl next to me managed to bounce her hat off her head and then drop kick it out into the audience and I thought I would pee myself I was laughing so hard. Good times. Good tap-dance-related times.

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Dancing With The Stars

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