Dancing With The Stars
Season 5 Performance #1: Women

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Season 5 Performance #1: Women

Tom Bergeron opens up by introducing the new season, and actually refers to the dancers as "warriors," which, really? Doesn't that somehow cheapen actual warriors? Tom promises us that this cast is the most exciting ever, and that this week, it will be men vs. women. Tonight is women. Tomorrow is men. Wednesday is the first results show. I'm glad they're kicking someone out the first week. That no-elimination stuff is bullshit. And Tom yells "Liiiiiiiiiiiive" as we see the credits for the first time. I'm going to hold off on talking about each contestant until he or she is introduced with a clip package, which I'm sure will happen shortly.

Hey, did you know this show is live? And Samantha went and had a baby girl yesterday, so Drew Lachey is co-hosting. I'm not happy with Drew's facial hair. It's too sparse, so he looks like that kid in sixth grade who's already shaving, but in retrospect you realize that his growth was not that impressive. Anyway, there's a dance number to start us off, but it's just the professionals, so they're actually, you know, good. I like when the celebrities do group numbers, because there's always the chance that someone will fall or bump into something or lose an article of clothing. Not so much with the pros. This whole number is very reminiscent of the dance hall scene in A League of Their Own, which I totally watched on TBS yesterday.

After the dance number, it's time to meet the celebrities this season. First up, Jennie Garth, continuing the Steve Sanders tradition. She's dancing with Derek (brother to last season's champion, Julianne). Next up: Josie Maran. I don't know who that is. Is she on a soap? She's dancing with Alec. Sabrina is one of the Cheetah Girls from the Disney Channel, guaranteeing the tween vote as she dances with Mark. They're flashing the voting numbers as the people are introduced, so they're not even pretending it's about the dancing anymore. Marie Osmond is dancing with Jonathan. Mel B (a.k.a. Scary Spice, a.k.a. Eddie Murphy's baby mama) is dancing with Maks. They're my early pick. Jane "Dr. Quinn" Seymour is dancing with Tony.

Now it's time for the dudes. Cameron "Host of I Wanna Be a Soap Star" Mathison is dancing with Edyta. And he trips walking down the stairs, which doesn't bode well. Boxer Floyd Mayweather is dancing with Karina. Helio "Indy 500 Champion" Castroneves is dancing with Julianne, who looks to have aged like ten years since last season. She doesn't look haggy or anything -- she just looks more polished. Model Albert Reed (my cousin -- just kidding) is dancing with Anna. Mark "My Nemesis" Cuban is dancing with Kym. Poor Cheryl got saddled with Wayne "Geriatric" Newton. And that's your field for this season. The camera pans down the row and the various contestants mug for the camera.

Drew explains that tonight, the women will be dancing either a foxtrot or a cha-cha. As always, the audience votes are combined with the judges' scores to determine who will get the boot.

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Dancing With The Stars

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