Dancing With The Stars
Season 5 Performance #2

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Season 5 Performance #2

But what did the judges think? Carrie Ann enjoyed Mark's exuberance and says that his face was dancing twice as hard as his feet. Well, that's one way to put it. She thinks his form was not great, though. Len thinks Mark should get the prize for hardest worker, but his dancing was like a match -- hot at the top and wooden below. He does compliment Mark for dancing on the second beat. Bruno tells Mark that he has determination, even if it was "like a bulldog chasing a squirrel." Whuh? Mark and Kym head backstage to talk to Drew. Mark spouts a lot of platitudes about how coming in last inspired him to work harder, and he doesn't want to let his supporters down. The scores are: 6, 6, and 6. Ouch. That's 18 out of 30. The crowd boos the judges. Well, it's nice to know someone likes Mark.

Next up is Wayne Newton and Cheryl. WHAT IS CHERYL WEARING? She's got on a white-and-blue spangled dress cut down to her navel, and it has blue fur trim on the sleeves and hem, and then there's a white cap with blue sequins with a GIANT BLUE FEATHER coming out of it. I wore a similar cap when I took dance classes as a kid, but it was the '80s, and I was ten. And I still knew it was ugly. Anyway, Cheryl is trying to get Wayne to use more hip action in their rehearsals, and when we see Wayne's hip action I throw up all over the place. Keep it in your pants, Grandpa. So they start dancing to "Viva Las Vegas" slowed down about a million times. It takes me about a third of the way into the dance to figure out whether they're doing the quickstep or the mambo (it's the quickstep). More like the medium-to-slow step. I realize I'm like the eightieth person to make that joke. Cheryl is dancing her fool head off trying to distract us from Wayne missing steps and not covering at all. At the end, Wayne is supposed to grab Cheryl under the armpits as she faces out and spin her around, and then slide her across the floor. Instead, he totally grabs her boobs and then manages to change his grip, but lets go of her too late, so his final move comes about five beats too late and oh, it's bad. I rewound it about three times.

I had to pause the recording to describe it, and it's paused just as Wayne and Cheryl approach the judges, and Carrie Ann has her head in her hand. That says it all. Bruno tells Wayne very seriously to work on his technique, and speed it up. Someone is booing. Did they even watch this? Carrie Ann compliments how he brought Vegas to the ballroom, but says he needed less hip action, since it was ballroom. Len doesn't think Wayne improved from last week, but acknowledges that it was a more difficult dance. Time for the scores: 5, 5, and 5. Wow. The judges are not cutting any slack tonight. Good for them! Drew tries to cheer them up by saying three 5s makes a nice poker hand. He wonders where Wayne gets so much energy, and Wayne says, "It's fear." I feel like he's this season's Jerry Springer, who people will keep voting for even when he's ready to go.

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Dancing With The Stars

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