Dancing With The Stars
Season 5 Performance #5

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Season 5 Performance #5

We're halfway through the season and tonight, the performers will be dancing either the samba or the rumba! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Samantha and Tom are back for "the sexiest night of competition." Based on what I've seen of the male performers so far, it was also chest-waxing week. Except for Helio, Mark, and Tony, who wore regular shirts instead of the navel-bearing models on the other guys. The audience is screaming so loudly I can barely hear what Samantha and Tom are saying. That's probably for the best.

Marie and Jonathan are up first. Last week, Marie's waltz got good marks from the judges. This week, she's doing the samba. Marie likes the high-energy nature of this routine, but she worries that she can't move her hips like Jonathan can. They show Marie performing with her brothers in a casino – I was just at a casino this past weekend, and Wayne Newton was there that night (I didn't attend the show, and Marie was going to be there this week. Anyway, Marie is ready to go the distance in this competition. Their dance begins, and Marie is wearing a really short turquoise dress. I think she has the legs for it. Something's off about Marie this week. I don't know if it's her posture, but it's not working for me. I think the dress is pretty unflattering. Her footwork's not great either -- not precise enough for a Latin dance. Overall, eh.

But the judges probably totally disagreed with my assessment, once again proving I don't know what I'm talking about. Len says that the samba is one of the most difficult dances, and while he's talking, Marie is breathing very heavily, until she suddenly just collapses to the floor! Holy crap! Tom quickly throws it to commercial as Jonathan tries to attend to the fallen Marie. The commercial break seems really long. When they return, Tom explains that Marie is fine, but she fainted. The camera shows her backstage, as Tom explains that the first words out of her mouth when she came to were, "Oh, crap." I was going to make a joke about her being classy, but then I remember that the first words out of my mouth were, "Holy crap!" and I'm not the one who was unconscious. The judges reveal their scores, which are three sevens. Samantha jokes that maybe Marie thought the fainting would get her higher scores, and Marie says she wouldn't kid around about something like that, and that similar things have happened to her before. Also, AWKWARD! Way to go, Samantha. Marie passed up the chance to see the medic because she wanted her scores so badly, and Jonathan jokes that now they want to reverse that decision. When we go back to Tom, he says that usually you see swooning as a romantic thing, but when it really happens on live television, it scares the crap out of you. No kidding, Tom. I thought I just saw Marie Osmond die or something! That was scary. I'm glad she's okay.

Next up are Jane and Tony, who were at the center of the lift controversy last week. This week, they're going to do the rumba. Tony thinks it gives Jane the chance to show off her sexy side, and that he uses the "tough love" method to teach. He barks orders at Jane, who complains in an interview that she's not allowed to ask questions or give input. Tony says that he knows Jane will love him at the end of the performance, and Jane admits that Tony's process works, and his teaching style works as well. Jane is wearing quite a revealing dress for anyone, much less a women her age, and she looks fantastic. The routine is extremely graceful, and Jane has great lines, but I don't find it that sexy, which is strange, because I think Jane and Tony have great chemistry. So...pretty to look at, and well-executed, but if they were going for sexy, I didn't see it.

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Dancing With The Stars

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