Dancing With The Stars
Season 5 Performance #9: Results

Episode Report Card
Kim: B | Grade It Now!
Season 5 Performance #9: Results

Tom shows how tough this season has been -- there sure have been a lot of tears! And he says that tonight will be the most "brutal elimination," because it's the last one before the finals. And it's LIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

What did the stars say in the confessional after their performances? Marie said that she had so much hip action that she probably caused an earthquake in California. Jennie claimed she was going to "boogie [her] little ass off" and, in her second dance, earned her first perfect score. And Derek had his shirt all unbuttoned! Mel and Maks agreed that the night -- and, in fact, the entire nine weeks -- have been amazing. Helio gets a little choked up thanking Julianne and the audience.

Who gets the encore? Len say that last night was the best semifinal ever, but that because it was such a breakthrough, he would like to see Jennie and Derek's cha cha cha. The Fatch is there tonight! He must not have been able to get a sitter last night. I can't believe Avril Lavigne is in the green room. Now I keep thinking of Amy Poehler doing her on SNL. you all are going to think I'm obsessed with Amy Poehler. You might not be wrong. She's funny! She's married to Will Arnett! Come on!

So Avril and her band perform. If you're seen her, you pretty much know how that goes, except that she couldn't really look less excited to be there. She's barely making, like, facial expressions. And there's no dancing, so it's kind of boring to watch. If I want to see Avril pretend to play a guitar and sing, I'll watch TRL or whatever.

Backstage, Samantha asks the final four how it will feel when one of them has to leave. Marie and Mel agree that they will have to be dragged out. Jennie says that she'd miss everyone if she left. Helio says that he'd be devastated. Marie tries to make an XY chromosome joke and then laughs REALLY HARD at her own unfunny joke. Why is Florence Henderson constantly in the audience? Is she married to the show's producer or something?

Audience reaction. Some people like some dancers. Some people like others. Useless. Almost as useless as Samantha's backstage questions, actually.

Now we get to find out the first finalist. And it's...Marie (and Jonathan). Ugh. That sucks. The other contestants try to pretend they're not disappointed.

Backstage, Samantha talks to Marie and Jonathan. She points out that the fans saved Marie once again. Marie thinks the Osmond fans are the best fans in the world.

Tom introduces Kenny Mayne's investigation into the ugly side of dancing. There's a fake Extra report about Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin checking into dance rehab, and Kenny is there to investigate. Lisa (still wearing full dance makeup) and Harry and Laila Ali and Tucker Carlson are all there to admit that they are addicted to the show. Laila strokes her dancing dress and says that sometimes she breaks out into the paso doble in the grocery store. Lisa says, really sincerely, "The paso doble is the BEST DANCE!" Tucker Carlson says that he'll never stop dancing, and that if you cut him into pieces, each piece would still dance. Don't tempt me, Mr. Bowtie. Lisa says that she's also addicted to tanning. Kenny concludes that this is a big problem for these former contestants. Tucker asks why Kenny is still wearing his purple spangly dancing shirt. Kenny tells him to mind his beeswax. Funny! Kenny Mayne always brings the funny.

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Dancing With The Stars




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