Dancing With The Stars

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Tight Pants and Ballroom

So what happened when Alec met Toni Braxton? Toni was psyched that Alec was her partner since he won the first season. Oh, like that counts. Everyone was terrible (except my boy Joey Mac!) and there was that weird second finale, and let's all just forget that happened. Toni reveals that she was recently diagnosed with heart disease, so she's been afraid to push herself physically. She looks good in rehearsal though. So here's their cha cha cha. Toni is barely wearing any clothes but she definitely has the facial expressions down. Her arms and legs look good but she needs more flexibility in her back or something. Carrie Ann congratulates Toni on taking a risk, and she thought it was fantastic. Len liked the mix of basic cha cha movements and clever choreography, and he advises Toni to straighten her legs a bit more. Bruno loves that Toni is a diva and really interpreted the music strongly. So what are their scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. It's the best score of the night so far.

Tom says that the censors are doing tequila shots in preparation for Cloris Leachman. Y'all, he is not kidding. I saw her on Bonnie Hunt's show, and she is seriously off her rocker and out of control. But before that treat, Cheryl and Maurice will be dancing. They show a clip of how, after running the 100m, Maurice used to have a guy come down and spray down his cleats with a fire extinguisher like they were on fire, because he's a performer. Maurice was fired up to get Cheryl, since she's a proven champion. So how's his foxtrot? Cheryl puts in some funky solo steps in the beginning which are probably good because it lets him get his adrenaline out. Wow, Cheryl has gained some weight. Normally, I wouldn't mention it, but her dress is completely backless and sideless and it's really noticeable. I have to wonder how you put on weight when you're dancing eight hours a day, but it must involve lots of good food. I approve. What do the judges think of the dancing? Len thinks there were both good and bad parts. Bruno likes Maurice's stage presence, but he has trouble controlling himself in hold, so he needs to combine the two. Carrie Ann thinks Maurice needs to bridge the gap between James Brown and ballroom. Scores? Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I think that's generous. Maurice likes that there's room for improvement.

Brooke Burke and Derek are up next. Oh, I can't even tell you how cheesy Derek's introduction is. He does a twirl into camera and then says, "I'm going to huff and puff and blow this competition down." No, that actually happened. Brooke is a mother of four, and has trouble remembering the steps. Not sure if those two things are related. So here's their cha cha cha. Brooke is wearing brown pants with fringe, which is a strange choice because she has great legs. Okay, they just did a move where Derek totally grabbed her boob. I wonder how Shannon Elizabeth (who's in the audience) feels about that. There doesn't seem to be much to this dance. Brooke looks great -- I wish Derek had given her more to do. The crowd liked it too. Carrie Ann thinks Brooke has an amazing body that was designed to dance. Bruno loved the hip action and jokes that Len's tongue was hanging out. Tom cracks that was due to age and everyone chuckles. Len just blurts out "Best dance so far!" I just noticed that Brooke's fake tan on her stomach doesn't match the color on her chest. Kind of weird. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, Bruno 8. Best score of the night so far. I notice Cloris and Julianne are sitting next to each other in the background. God, I would love to hear that conversation.

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Dancing With The Stars

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