Dancing With The Stars

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Girl Can't Help It

Toni and Alec are up next. Last week, the judges loved Toni's rumba, but Carrie Ann gave her shit for lifts. Toni doesn't think she did a lift, but video shows she totally did. In rehearsal, Toni says that she wants to update the waltz a bit instead of making it so traditional. Ask Lance and Lacey how well that works out. Alec tries to get Toni to do a handstand, and Toni complains that she was the girl in school that no one wanted on their team, and she's not athletic at all. Alec tries to prove her wrong.

Toni and Alec are dressed in their 17th Century finest as they start dancing to Fur Elise, which soon turns into a rocking out version of the same song. I think the guitar player, who is supposed to be playing the melody, screws up a couple of times. And I think Alec lifts Toni off the ground again. The routine is... okay. I expect more from Toni, actually. I miss Maks. His waltzes were always awesome. Wait, did I miss the handstand? I just went back and watched the whole routine again, and I didn't see it. So we had to watch the whole clip package and then they didn't even do the handstand? Len tells them that if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and they don't need gimmicks because Toni is a good dancer. Bruno thinks they took a huge risk, and they kind of overproduced. Carrie Ann really liked it, and enjoyed that they went back to the roots of the waltz, when it was scandalous. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Alec admits that after hearing the judges' comments, he thought their scores would be lower.

Oh, Cloris. It's time for the freak show. In rehearsals, Corky says that the jive is the most physically demanding of all the dances, so he needs to build up Cloris's stamina. Which he does by having her do pushups and other calisthenics. Maybe he should have her do some cardio. Corky explains that he gets Cloris to dance and then makes up the choreography around her. Based on some of the moves I'm seeing in rehearsal, this is a frightening proposition.

So first, the outfits. Corky has on white pants and a fuchsia sport coat. Cloris has on a red wig, a fuchsia skirt, and lots of spangles. I don't know. They basically walk around the dance floor without making much effort to, you know, do the jive. And then Cloris is behind Corky and she pretends that his butt smells? How I wish I were making that part up. At one point, Cloris's wig falls off and she kind of loses it and just giggles her way through most of the routine, and then he does the wheelbarrow with her and then he's humping her across the floor? I swear to God, if I didn't know better, I would think I just hallucinated that whole thing. Because WTF? Cloris takes a victory lap and waves to the audience, and won't go over to talk to the judges when she's told. The audience gives her a standing ovation. Finally Cloris goes over and tells the judges that she just wants ones. No one knows how to respond. Bruno tells her that her routine was "beyond comprehension." Carrie Ann agrees and says that the crowd was definitely entertained. Len compliments her one basic move, and Cloris can't hear him. See, I knew the reason she always goes up to the judges' table is because she can't hear them. Time for scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5. That's an overscore. That was ridiculous. I mean, I get that it's the best she can do. Cloris reveals that she was supposed to have a skullcap on her wig that said "Vote for Me," and then she gets all confused about how the judges' scores factor into keeping people there. Oh, Cloris. She's kind of making me sad.

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Dancing With The Stars

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