Hey, cats and kittens. Welcome back for an all-new season, which will include some replacements for some injured stars, which are maybe supposed to be a surprise. But if you have spent one second on the Internet in the past two days, you totally know who they are. Anyway, let's get our first look!
Lil Kim and Derek: Derek grew his hair out some more and I still hate it. Lil Kim has more clothes on than usual.
Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan: She looks more matronly than any Go-Go should, and I blame the costuming.
Lawrence Taylor and Edyta: I'm pretty sure he's wearing the same outfit that Emmitt Smith wore once for his season.
Steve-O and Lacey: I may be the only one who hates Lacey more than I hate Steve-O.
Gilles Marini and Cheryl: I can't believe this dude is on the show. I hope he has a personality.
Chuck Wicks and Julianne: Ooh, the couple! Conspiracy theories!
Ty Murray and Chelsie: He is a tiny little man, isn't he?
Shawn Johnson and Mark: It's weird to see her with cleavage.
Steve Wozniak and Karina: He looks terrified.
David Alan Grier and Kym: He looks the opposite of terrified.
Denise Richards and Maks: It's nice to see Maks back! Denise, meh.
Tom tells everyone that Jewel and Nancy O'Dell have withdrawn due to injury, though they are sitting in the audience, and we'll find out who is replacing them shortly. If you don't already know. Which you do. Although I kind of wish they would throw us a curveball and have the substitutes be a total surprise. Tom and Samantha reminds us that we have a newly engaged couple (Maks and Karina), a new pro (Chelsie and surprise to be named shortly), and the youngest star to ever compete (Shawn Johnson).
First up are Lil Kim (I refuse to use the apostrophe because it makes no sense -- it should be Li''l' Kim, and that's ridiculous) and Derek. Greatest statement ever on this show: "The first time I ever watched Dancing with the Stars was when I was in prison." COME ON! You have got to love that shit. I totally want her to win. She says that one of her "girlfriends" told her she should be on the show. Is that like a neighborhood girlfriend or a prison-type girlfriend? Derek reminds us that he is the reigning champion. They meet and start rehearsing. Derek hopes to put her hip-hop swagger into the dances. You know how I said that last sentence was the best one? I was wrong. This one is: "I'm dedicating my first dance to all my girls in the federal detention center." Oh my God. This is awesome.