Dancing With The Stars

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Second Place is First Loser

The last finalist to dance is Gilles, with partner Cheryl. Gilles says that he'd never danced before, and he kind of thought he would be terrible. Cheryl saw his potential. The music is all romantic and it's making me uncomfortable. Anyway, Cheryl says that everyone thinks of Gilles as this sex symbol but he's actually a down-to-earth family man. Gilles gets choked up when talking about how life-changing this experience has been for him. Their Argentine tango has all the intensity and chemistry that you've come to expect from this couple. I don't know which one of them paid off the lighting director, but in the middle of their routine, the stars light up and then all the lights go from blue to orange. I've never noticed that kind of dramatic lighting for anyone else. Carrie Ann thinks that Gilles brings artistry to his dances. Len thinks that Gilles is the most fun to watch, and he takes him back to the first time he ever saw the Argentine tango. Bruno thinks Gilles does more than dance; he plays the character with each step. Bruno goes on and on about how awesome Gilles is, and Tom has to cut him off. Backstage, Gilles and Cheryl continue to love each other some more. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Sigh. I mean, it was deserved, but what's the point?

Lady GaGa is back to sing "Love Game." Okay, what is she holding in her hand? It looks like someone broke the plastic wand off some blinds, you know the part you turn to open or close the blinds? And then hot-glued a mesh loofah to the end of it. Like I would use that to exfoliate my back in the shower. I'm almost come full circle on Lady Gaga. I started out thinking she was weird and kind of a try-hard, and now I think she's weird and bargain basement enough that I kind of dig it. She seems like some of those early '80s dance music queens that were styled by their equally broke gay friends but still kind of fabulous. And then one of them turned out to be Madonna.

When we return, all three couples are standing on the stage, waiting for some results. It's time to find out which couple is in third place. And that couple is... Melissa and Tony. That's about right. Tony looks really disappointed. Melissa can't believe that she's in the finals, going from being a nobody to getting dumped on national television, to coming in third. That was quite a... wait for it...journey.

Finally, it's time to award the tacky mirror ball trophy. Tom explains that this is the closet finale they've ever had; there was less than a 1% difference in the votes. Gilles looks amused by the whole thing. Mark looks pissed off, but maybe he's just nervous. And the winner is... Shawn and Mark! Holy crap. I did not see that coming. I wish Gilles had won, but I'm glad it was Shawn and not Melissa. Mark hugs Shawn and then falls on the ground like a drama queen. Tom tries to interview Shawn but she can barely talk. Samantha talks to Gilles, who is really gracious and thanks his wife and son, and tells Cheryl she's one of the best things that's ever happened to him. The other dancers come running out and Derek immediately hoists Mark on his shoulders leaving poor Shawn on the ground. Um, Mark? It's not about you. People like the pros but I would guess that most people watch the show for the celebrities. Finally Chuck puts Shawn on his shoulders so that she can get some of the glory. And that's it until September! I don't know how they're going to top this one, but we'll see.

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Dancing With The Stars

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