Kim is on vacation, so you guys are stuck with me. I'm ashamed to admit that I actually watch this show, but I guess I'm in good company since you readers presumably do as well. I only started watching this season because I'm kind of fascinated with Steve Guttenberg after his bizarre turn on Hallmark Channel's Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus and its sequel, Meet the Santas. And then he got voted off but I kept watching.

Tom and that horrid woman who can't host her way out of a paper bag open the show promising awesome performances from James Blunt and Ozomatli (why, Ozomatli, why?) as well as more ballroom dancing from children whose parents are pushy assholes. Meanwhile, the stars are too busy talking amongst themselves to pay any attention.

Tom reviews last night's show by calling it the sexiest night so far (I guess now that Adam Corolla is gone, this is a sure bet) and says Kristi Yamaguchi and Jason Taylor maintained their leads. True story: I went to college with a girl named Kirsten Yamaguchi. I'll bet she's rooting for Jason Taylor. Bruno called Jason a "love god," which he and Edyta laugh at in the confessional. Marissa Jaret Winokur says she's still having a blast. Mario says he's on "cloud thirteen" after his comeback yesterday. Cristian and Cheryl disagree with Carrie Ann's assessment that they didn't have enough chemistry, with Cristian saying "more chemistry would be illegal." "What are you gonna do, make out with me? You're married!" Cheryl responds. Man, she does not even care about those rumors about her and married dance partners. Good for her!

Marlee had a hard night, and she apologizes to Fabian in the confessional. Why does a man always do her voice, though? Fabian tells her she has nothing to be sorry for, but she's on the verge of tears. Awww. Shannon Elizabeth was also criticized for not enough hip action, and she says she doesn't know how she could have done it better while Derek tries not to puke. "Actress and businesswoman" Priscilla Presley is very upset with herself for missing a turn during her performance.