Previously on Dark Angel: Tinga got turned into a pickle-in-a-bag. Max got caught crying. Zack busted up Max and Logan's chubby-making session. Lydecker killed Sandoval with the left-over props from Batteries Not Included. Logan started walking, with the help of the Creepy Camera Man's legs. Nana Visitor took down The Weakest Link host in a bitch test. And I got stuck writing the season finale. Natch.
Oh my god. Jessica Alba's brother is guest-starring in this episode. How nepostistically nauseating. But I've been hearing complaints that I'm too down on our little Jessica. Purportedly I think she's ass and, thus, give her no credit for her supposed "skills improvement." So, since it's the season finale and I don't have to watch this crap for many moons I, Lulu Bates, do solemnly swear to give more credit to Jessica Alba for her (ahem) improved acting.
So to start the season finale, we get a funky aerial shot of Max holding Tinga's dead -- yes, dead -- body. No matter what the debate in the forums may lead you to believe, Tinga is dead. We get one good actor on the show, and they kill her off. Damn you, Powers That Be! Damn you! (I'm standing on my desk and shaking my fist as I write this.) So Max is cuddling Tinga's unfortunately deceased body, and they are in the middle of a circle of grumpy-looking men with big scary guns, and Lydecker is there looking horrified at Tinga's death. He calls out Max's name, which seems like a pretty stupid thing to do, and yet he looks surprised that she freaks when she sees him and launches her twig-like body fist-first at his head. She, of course, gets zapped immediately by the mazillion soldiers that are in the room. She twitches for awhile and then falls unconscious. You know, Jessica Alba's pretty good at twitching, seizing, and generally shaking uncontrollably. I wonder how her acting coach trained her for that? "Okay, Jessica, darling, let's try that again. This time, I'll turn the voltage up to 300. That should really get you twitching." At any rate, she's a heck of a twitcher.
One of Madame X's cronies reports that Lydecker was tracking Max, and she led him to the facility where they were keeping Tinga. Madame X, who I am going to call Nana Visitor because I want to, tells the soldier to capture the X5 (Max) and arrest Lydecker. The soldier is all, "What you talking 'bout Willis?" Nana Visitor informs him that Lydecker is being charged with the murder of Agent Sandoval and that he is to arrest Lydecker. The soldier heads inside and tells Lydecker that he isn't supposed to be there, and that he needs to leave posthaste. Lydecker tells all but two of his men to move out, and then he shoots Nana Visitor's soldiers in the head. He tells his soldiers that he has no idea what's going on, but he's aiming to find out. If neither of them has the stomach for it, now's the time to leave. Wouldn't the time to leave be before he killed his boss's soldiers? Whatever -- that speech was ripped straight from a John Wayne film where there's an evil sheriff and a rough-and-tumble yet morally superior cowboy who has to come save the townsfolk. Both soldiers stay, of course. All the while Max is lying unconscious on the floor. And I have to hand it to her, she's pretty good at lying there and not moving. Lydecker has the soldiers put her in the back of the van, and they drive around trying to decide what to do.