Dark Angel
Art Attack

Episode Report Card
Amorgan: F | Grade It Now!
Love and Marriage Go Together Like a Horse and Glue Factory

Bouncing balls. Basketballs. It's wheelchair basketball! Would y'all think I'm a pervert if I confessed to having a fascination with guys in wheelchairs? Especially hot, sweaty ones with nice torsos and arms. Yum! Max watches from the sidelines, and when the game is over she asks the Cap'n how much he won in the game. She is so mercenary and tough. If you'd forgotten. But I bet you hadn't. The Cap'n informs her that he wasn't playing for money, which she simply doesn't understand. 'Cause she's hard. Yo. But that's not what we're here to see, folks. No, what we've been brought here to witness is the awkwardness of the Cap'n asking Max to go with him to a wedding. First there's the obligatory "Well, I was going to ask you to go, but now I'm not." Followed by the "Well, are you coming with me or not? It's not going to be fun. My family prides itself on snootiness." Then garnished with a shy acceptance, which is poorly disguised behind some boasting on Max's part about how her DNA qualifies her to rub elbows with even the snootiest. And, voila, the recipe for the Plot Majore is complete. The Cap'n, he isn't so comfortable with his family, you see. I sense an episode which allows us to examine the more vulnerable, personal side of our dear Cappie. Just a hunch. Anyway, his parting words to her in this scene are, "By the way, it's formal." To which she replies, "Not a problem." Sigh. I just ate a piece of cornbread buttered with pot-infused butter. Can I say that here? I might take some Vicodin leftover from my wisdom tooth surgery, too. 'Cause there's a lot of action coming up, and I might get over-excited.

Cut to a spacious, well-lit boutique, the kind with about six mannequins and only four or five racks of clothes, 'cause everything is so exclusive and expensive and tasteful that that's really all you need. Max, Kendra, and Original Cindy stroll in, screaming "street cred" and "larceny." Or at least "window shopping." Which is almost as bad in those kinds of boutiques. Then James Cameron drifts into yet another un-deep exploration of the nature of relationships and the meaning of love. See, Max has never been to a wedding. So everyone has to talk about it. Kendra thinks weddings are really romantic. And they make her horny. Have you noticed that Kendra is a big ol' tramp? I bet the blowing breeze makes her horny, too. Original Cindy, however, cites the duller, more frightening aspects of marriage, such as seeing the same person every day for eternity, and never being able to Do It with anyone besides your partner. She is not such a big fan of marriage. I bet Linda Hamilton spits when she happens to catch this show. Anyway, Max ignores the conversation at hand, entranced by a plum-colored formal. In the interim between Max spotting the dress and asking the price, Original Cindy says "bitch" on TV, as in, "I wonder how much suga they want for this bitch." And Kendra asks Max why Cappie isn't her sugar daddy. Wow! See, every episode they manage to slip a little something naughty in. That's one of the things I actually like about this show. Every tiny bit counts. Okay, so the dress costs $6000, and Max asks the saleswoman to put it on hold so she can come back for it later. I'd like to point out right now that Max never once tries this dress on. Not once. And call me crazy, but I just don't think that they teach expert-eyeballing-of-clothes-that-might-be-your-size in military school at Manticore. Regardless, come nightfall (I like that word, "nightfall"), Max slinks into the boutique like the slinky-slink that she is, and narrowly escapes being caught by the lone saleswoman who stayed after hours to, um, do something with a clipboard. Maybe inventory. Something. There's a not-really-tense-at-all moment in which Max is surprised by the woman, but then she dodges using her super-genetic super-powers of jumping. Phew. That was close.

There are two commercials currently running which involve cars falling out of trees. There is also a commercial in which a woman is harvesting tires from a tree. Interesting, no?

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Dark Angel




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