Well well well. Here we are -- together again for the very last time. Before we begin, my thanks to Wing Chun, for manning the Not! Line with grace and élan all these years and for writing rings around me; to Jessica for saving my stomach lining by stepping in to cover the show; and to all of you -- whether you joined up in the Dawson's Wrap days or you just got here, we appreciate your support. May lemon-flavored chewable Maalox smile upon you all the rest of your days.
Now let's get this over with.
We kick off with a self-congratulatory montage of scenes we will see in the series finale except that, typically, it contains scenes that we totally didn't see in the series finale, at all, like Joey finding the engagement ring in Jeremy Sisto's dresser. I will take that as a shout-out -- the final annoying Desktopping of a plot point we should have seen onscreen. Aw, writers. [sniff] You shouldn't have! No, seriously. You shouldn't have.
Aaaaanyway. Tonight's WB presentation is intended for masochists and people who hate cereal. No previouslys, but let me sum up what's happened to date: [Eye-roll.] Okay, let's begin. We fade up in the Sanctum Pseudawsonorum. How do I know? The E.T. poster. Okay, I don't know if any of you guys watch the CHiPs reruns on TBS in the middle of the night, but I saw one recently from 1982 where this little girl with scary Brooke Shields eyebrows is basically hallucinating alien spaceships, and there's a scene where she's like, "The ETs are real, Ponch! You have to believe me!" and then her mom disappears or something, so she goes to live with Ponch, which is totally inappropriate and creepy, especially since Ponch just happens to have, like, a dozen stuffed animals lying around for whatever reason what? Okay, okay. But you should definitely try to catch one of those reruns. You would not believe the package on Estrada. So anyhow, an indie-rock-looking kid named Colby and a girl who kind of looks like Rachael Leigh Cook (who? Exactly) are pontificating at each other in unrealistically polysyllabic Dawson-and-Joey fashion. I'll just save us all a bit of time here; it's a scene from The Creek, Dawson's TV show, which is pretty much a word-for-word, shot-for-shot recreation of everything we've already seen happen on DC. Like, ha ha. Whatever. So, Pseudawson is trying to determine whether Faux-ey has feelings for the unseen "Petey" (read: "Fake-cey") in this scene, and Faux-ey makes the "witty" meta statement that "your verbal deconstruction of teen angst is really outdated, Colby," and reassures him that there's nothing between her and Fake-cey, he's Pseudawson's best friend, blah. The girl playing Faux-ey actually has the patented Joey Behind-The-Ears Hair Tuck down pretty well.