Well well well. Here we are -- together again for the very last time. Before we begin, my thanks to Wing Chun, for manning the Not! Line with grace and élan all these years and for writing rings around me; to Jessica for saving my stomach lining by stepping in to cover the show; and to all of you -- whether you joined up in the Dawson's Wrap days or you just got here, we appreciate your support. May lemon-flavored chewable Maalox smile upon you all the rest of your days.
Now let's get this over with.
We kick off with a self-congratulatory montage of scenes we will see in the series finale…except that, typically, it contains scenes that we totally didn't see in the series finale, at all, like Joey finding the engagement ring in Jeremy Sisto's dresser. I will take that as a shout-out -- the final annoying Desktopping of a plot point we should have seen onscreen. Aw, writers. [sniff] You shouldn't have! No, seriously. You shouldn't have.
Aaaaanyway. Tonight's WB presentation is intended for masochists and people who hate cereal. No previouslys, but let me sum up what's happened to date: [Eye-roll.] Okay, let's begin. We fade up in the Sanctum Pseudawsonorum. How do I know? The E.T. poster. Okay, I don't know if any of you guys watch the CHiPs reruns on TBS in the middle of the night, but I saw one recently from 1982 where this little girl with scary Brooke Shields eyebrows is basically hallucinating alien spaceships, and there's a scene where she's like, "The ETs are real, Ponch! You have to believe me!" and then her mom disappears or something, so she goes to live with Ponch, which is totally inappropriate and creepy, especially since Ponch just happens to have, like, a dozen stuffed animals lying around for whatever reason…what? Okay, okay. But you should definitely try to catch one of those reruns. You would not believe the package on Estrada. So anyhow, an indie-rock-looking kid named Colby and a girl who kind of looks like Rachael Leigh Cook (who? Exactly) are pontificating at each other in unrealistically polysyllabic Dawson-and-Joey fashion. I'll just save us all a bit of time here; it's a scene from The Creek, Dawson's TV show, which is pretty much a word-for-word, shot-for-shot recreation of everything we've already seen happen on DC. Like, ha ha. Whatever. So, Pseudawson is trying to determine whether Faux-ey has feelings for the unseen "Petey" (read: "Fake-cey") in this scene, and Faux-ey makes the "witty" meta statement that "your verbal deconstruction of teen angst is really outdated, Colby," and reassures him that there's nothing between her and Fake-cey, he's Pseudawson's best friend, blah. The girl playing Faux-ey actually has the patented Joey Behind-The-Ears Hair Tuck down pretty well.
Pseudawson isn't really buying it, and we cross-fade to a shot from behind Joey "If You Mean Stephen King's IT, Maybe -- What's With The Clown Hair, Girlfriend?" Potter's gigantic TV to see Joey herself, curled up on a fab couch from the West Elm catalog in her gigantic "New York" apartment. She's sipping wine and peering intently at the show through her prop reading glasses. She's totally engrossed, even though what's happening on the show happened to her, so it's not like she doesn't know what's next. On The Creek, "we're just friends" / "are you sure?" / "yes, we fight all the time, it's nothing" / "that's what I was afraid of" blither from Faux-ey and Pseudawson before they replicate the ceiling-cam pretending-to-go-sleep shot we've seen so many times. As the show fades to credits -- which even use the same font as DC -- Jeremy "Creepy Jesus" Sisto mutters, "Thank God that's over." Word, Our Savior. Word. Joey snarks at him, and he clicks off the TV and grumps that The Creek is "like bad airplane food," adding that the "teen hyperbole" is "hard on the stomach." Yeah. Why don't you pull up a chair and tell me about it, buddy? Sisto goes on to slam the writers for sitting around with a thesaurus, thinking up "four-syllable ways to abuse the English language." Again, amen, but if the writers think that poking fun at themselves now excuses them for all the malapropisms, weak metaphors, bludgeoning of "solace," and all-around crap writing of the last five years, they can think again. Joey claims that she only watches it to torture him. Product-placement of bottled water; more blather in the "who talks like that?" vein; exposition about Joey's job (she's a junior editor, who in order to live in an apartment that size must supplement her income by robbing banks on weekends) and the fact that Sisto is a writer, that's how they met, blah bling blooey. Katie Holmes needs to consult an acting coach about how to do convincing stage business with glasses, because nobody who really wears them 1) handles them like that or 2) wears them that far down on their noses, and it's distracting me.