Dawson's Creek
Alternative Lifestyles

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Alternative Lifestyles

Shouts out to owen, Jenga, and Wing.

After an interminable series of "previously on 'Dawson's Creek'" vignettes, we at long last fade up Chez Leery with the sound of crickets chirping in the background and a ladder falling down and landing at the feet of Dawson "Free Prize Inside!" Leery and Mitch "The Flash" Leery in their matching Old Navy outfits. Dawson stares at The Flash, incredulous that his father actually thinks he could both get an erection AND know what to do with it, and The Flash says, "Now, don't give me that look -- I know there's been a lot of late-night creeping around. I'm just taking standard precautions" as he stalks off in parental exasperation mode, and Dawson tags along after him and says in that Drama Club-vice-president over-acting voice where he laughs and talks at the same time, "You are so in denial," and The Flash says, "Excuse me?" and Dawson, swinging his arms like an autistic four-year-old, says, "Denial -- you can't accept the fact that the little boy you brought into the world is grown up, is a sexual being," and The Flash demands, "Are you having sex with Joey?" as they go through the front door, and Dawson says, "No, I did not say that, but I am a sexual being -- responsible, mind you, but biologically, a sexual being," and if I hear the phrase "sexual being" one more time I will extinguish a lit cigarette in my eye, and then The Flash repeats in confusion, "'Sexual being?'" and HISSSSSS, there goes my left cornea as Dawson smugly tells The Flash, "Yep, and you are having trouble facing that reality -- it's a typical parental problem, but do you know what?" The Flash responds wearily, "No. What?" Dawson says in an insufferably condescending tone, "The sooner you accept it, the sooner you and I will have an honest relationship." Let's review. Dawson wants to have an honest relationship with his father -- a man whose picture appears in the dictionary next to the term "closet case" -- about his sex life. One word: Not. The Flash says, "Mm hmm. Dawson, are you and Joey having sex?" like, objection, asked and answered, and Dawson says, all fed up, "No!" and The Flash asks again, "No?" and Dawsons says, all fed up again, "No! But! One day! Down the road! I'm gonna have sex," all talking down to The Flash, and I don't know, maybe it's different with boys and their dads, but my father didn't even want to know that I menstruated, much less about my future plans to do the horizontal mambo, and certainly not in that snotty get-out-of-my-face tone of voice, but before The Flash can take him further to task, Dawson continues, "And you acting all paranoid and chucking [?] ladders and locking windows is not gonna stop me, so will you stop acting like a 'typical parent'" -- Dawson makes snotty little quotation marks in the air with his fingers - "and just let things take their natural course. Let Joey and me hang out in my room alone at night unsupervised," and The Flash thinks about this for a split second and then says, "No," and marches past Dawson and into Dawson's room as Dawson protests, "Why not?" and The Flash gives a beleaguered sigh and says, "Because, Dawson, the fact is I am a parent, all right? I am your parent, and it's my duty to be paranoid about my fifteen-year-old son upstairs in my very own house having sex," and Dawson tells him, "You are so unenlightened -- didn't you grow up in the sixties?" and The Flash says, "Dawson, you can psychologically deconstruct me all you want, but, ah, here's the deal. Parent me, child you," and leaves the room repeating "parent me, child you," and immediately afterwards Dawson's closet door with the big old "Hook" poster on it opens to reveal Joey "Miracle Bra" Potter, and as she emerges Dawson says, "He's such a tyrant," and Joey says, "You handled it well," and Dawson says, "You think so?" as they start smooching, and the feedback from the lip mics must have drowned out the sound of The Flash sneaking up to the door because he whips it open and catches Dawson and Joey in the act, and Dawson says, "Joey! What are you doing here?" in this bizarro Grandpa Walton accent, like, ha ha, not. The Flash escorts Joey out, but not before grounding Dawson, who says, "Bye, Joey, see you in a few minutes," and The Flash says, "No, you won't."

Credits. Paula Cole and her armpits mangling the English language with the phrase "say a little prayer for I." Paula -- prepositions take an objective pronoun. Learn it, live it, love it. Oh, and by the way, your song still sucks.

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Dawson's Creek

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