Dawson's Creek
Alternative Lifestyles

Episode Report Card
Sars: D | 1 USERS: A+
Alternative Lifestyles

Over at Bessie's Bastard Barn (tm Wing), chaos reigns. As some metaphorical water comes to a metaphorical boil, Joey and Bessie and the baby rush around to get ready, and a frazzled Bessie wants Joey to go over to The Icehouse and do a few chores before school because the health inspectors plan to make a surprise visit to the restaurant this week, and a put-upon Joey doesn't want to because she might miss first period, and Bessie hikes up the little bundle of shame and begs Joey to do her this favor, and can I just ask what happened to Bessie's oh-so-scandalous boyfriend? Did he ditch Bessie's ass to go to chef school or something? Anyway, the bundle of shame starts bawling and Joey agrees to go and as she goes out the door Bessie adds a few more chores to the list, thus setting up some sisterly conflict later in the show.

Back at the Scarlet A Ranch, The Flash hears Dawson getting ready to leave for school and asks, "Is it the sexual being himself?" and Dawson, who has apparently ditched the Flow-Bee in favor of pin curlers and some setting lotion to give himself a modified Caesar-meets-late-Mike-Brady 'do, says, "You know what I was thinking?" and The Flash steels himself for yet another patronizing interaction with his son and says, "No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me," and Dawson says as Gale "Standard Poodle" Leery bustles about in the kitchen behind him, "Don't even try to tell me that when you were my age, you weren't sneaking around and making out with girls in the backs of cars and movie theaters." The Flash admits that he did indeed do these things, and as Dawson makes an "I rest my case" gesture with his arms, The Flash goes on to say, "But that was the whole fun of being fifteen, Dawson -- I mean, it was the fear of getting caught that made it more dangerous and exciting." Um, Mitch? Why don't you dig that hole a little deeper, because we can still see your head. So Dawson responds snarkily, "So by restricting my access to Joey, what you're really trying to do is liven up my sex life?" As The Flash ponders this so so inappropriate and uppity comeback, Dawson asks Gale, "Did you hear that, Mom?" and Gale in her short-enough-to-make-Amanda-Woodward-blush miniskirt sputters, "What sex life?" and The Flash gets up and says, "Now you're twisting my words again, Dawson -- go to school," and Dawson grabs an apple from the bowl of fruit on the counter, and I would go into a whole digression on Georgia O'Keeffe and the Garden of Eden and vulvas and snakes and sin and forbidden fruit, but I won't, because I don't give the writers that much credit, and Dawson tosses the apple in the air and chuckles condescendingly and says, "Did you ever notice that whenever your parental authority is in question you just start barking out orders?" and The Flash says, "Go. Now!" like, ha ha, not, and Dawson kisses his mother goodbye and leaves for school, thus ending the Oedipus-meets-Saved By The Bell portion of the scene, and The Flash bemoans their son's lawyerly tendencies by saying that "he has become the master of manipulation," and Gale says, "I wonder where he learned that?" all sarcastically, and then they bicker about the open marriage idea and Gale passive-aggressively says that if Mitch wants to "get even with [her] and sow [his] oats" that he should go ahead, and Mitch says he doesn't want to fight about it, and Gale says all hopefully, "You don't?" and then they have a moment, and then she goes to work and The Flash arranges his face into a pensive shape.

Cut to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, where Marlin Perkins watches in horror as a warthog crashes through the underbrush and gores an innocent -- oops, my bad, cut to Jen walking into school with Abby "Pilotfish" Morgan as Abby in her smocky maternity tank top and velour camel-toe (tm xix) pants asks Jen in her ill-fitting slip dress du jour which of two nearby meatheads she would rather sleep with, and Jen's critically ill self-esteem rallies briefly as she says, "Neither," and Abby says, "Are you crazy?" which sort of makes sense in light of the other boys they have to choose from, and Jen calls the meatheads "gym junkies" who do things like "play football and swap pornos -- they're a couple of pigs," like, LOOK WHO'S TALKING, and then Abby describes them as "so completely disgusting, it's almost erotic," and I kind of like the way this girl thinks. Then they walk towards the school building and Abby muses that, like the rest of the English-speaking world, she "cannot believe I am friends with someone who only has eyes for Dawson Leery," and Jen says, "Guilty as charged," and Abby again speaks for the English-speaking world by saying, "Please! You're making me ill!" She then reverses herself and tells Jen to "make it happen" even though she just said that Jen's fixation on Dawson makes her sick, and a feeble-ternative band starts thrashing away in the background, and speaking of things happening, did the aliens from Cocoon come and get Gramps' body or something? Memo to the writers: when you kill someone off for dramatic effect, it is customary to give him or her a funeral also.

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Dawson's Creek




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