Dawson's Creek
Alternative Lifestyles

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Alternative Lifestyles

Cut to my first apartment in Manhattan -- oops, my bad, cut to a vermin-infested hellhole in the greater Capeside metro area, as Andie questions the chain-smoking landlady from Kingpin about whether she plans to rent the apartment "as is." Pacey: impatient. Andie: thorough. Pacey: apathetic. Andie: diligent. Opposites: attracting, at the approximate speed of continental drift. Pacey points out that they have to turn the project in tomorrow and they "don't have a thing on paper." Andie cites Pacey's "self-destructive agenda." Pacey, tuning up for the Aria Of Self-Pity, tells Andie that she knows nothing about him, then delivers his usual sarcastic oh-woe-is-me descant in full voice, accompanied by the world's smallest violin: since his family has decided his black-sheep status, it doesn't matter what he does, because his family doesn't care one way or the other, so why try?

Switching easily to a more sinister A-minor key, Pacey then tells Andie that she likes this project because it lets her go slumming, that "[she's] never had a problem in [her] entire life," that she finds the problems of people without money "fascinating" for their "novelty," and winds up this devastating diatribe by sneering, "You're rich and you're spoiled and that's what it comes down to." But before the roses and shouts of "bravo" begin showering down from the cheap seats, Andie says, "You know what, you're right, I don't know anything about you and you know even less about me, so just leave me alone!" and does the Dexatrim Stomp right on out of there (tm xix) as Pacey feels bad and calls after her and sets us up for the Moment Of Revelation/I Guess I Misjudged Her scene later, and the landlady from Kingpin wants to know if they want the apartment, like, ha ha, not, curtain.

Cut to a scale model of the Woodbury Commons outlet mall and Joey eyeing it skeptically in the waiting area of Westin Associates. Joey introduces herself to Laura Westin, successful career woman. Yes, the actress appeared on a feminine hygiene product ad, and no, I don't remember which one either. [Wing Chun adds: "Am I the only one who remembers Successful Career Woman as Charlie's bitchy careerist running-for-some-political-office, uncomfortable-with-the-kids girlfriend from Party of Five? Who thought she was pregnant at one point, and was glad she wasn't, but Charlie was kind of disappointed? I am? Okay, never mind."] Laura Westin tells Joey about her career path from housewife and mother to successful interior designer and part-time teacher, and asks Joey's advice about the design of a chain of Mexican restaurants while one of her real employees shoots daggers at Joey with her eyes. Joey points out that the bar and the kitchen should go next to each other and not at opposite ends of the restaurant. Laura Westin asks if she "can pick your brain about some of these other designs, a little trade-off for helping you on your assignment?" and Joey does her tight-lipped smile of embarrassment and says, "I don't know, I'd be happy to," and I don't think we really need the whole 90210 Donna-Martin-gets-unrealistic-praise-from-tertiary-characters vibe on this show, first of all, and second of all, interior designers and architects are not the same thing so make up your mind, and third of all, whatever.

Cut to the coffeehouse, where Abby and Jen have set up "Seduce Dawson '98" headquarters at a window table and Abby with her hair in braids says, "Nothing. You've been working with him all week and you expect me to believe that nothing has happened," and Jen with her hair all zig-zag parted says, "I'm telling you, nothing has happened. I don't know -- he's so head over heels in love with Joey, I can't compete with her," and can I get an "AMEN" from the people, and Abby says, "Now that is where you're wrong. Joey has nothing on you," and favoring Kenny with her attention she says, "Kenny, what do you think of Joey Potter?" and Kenny says, "She's hot," and Abby snaps, "Oh, shut up! What do you know, you're practically wall-eyed!" Well, no, not really, since "wall-eyed" doesn't really mean "blind," it means that you either have a cataract on your iris or that you have a travelling eye, but in any case, Kenny gets up from his table and says in an inexplicable Southern accent that he must have borrowed from Bessie, "Look, Abby, I do know we should be working on our assignment," and Abby does her best Sideshow Bob shudder and says, "Okay, you're bugging me -- can you just get out of my hair and go finish it?" as Jen tries not to start laughing, and Kenny points out, "Abby, you haven't been doing your share of the work," and Jen really does start laughing as Abby responds, "Well, what do you expect? I'm not like you, Kenny, I have a very demanding social life," and Kenny shambles away. How stage-managing the romantic delusions of bacon-on-the-hoof qualifies as a demanding social life, I have no idea, but don't even get me started on the number of times I would get stuck doing an oral report or whatever with one of the "in group," and the girl I got paired with usually viewed her favoring me with her attention and my actually completing the report as a fair division of labor, but anyway, Abby sighs in annoyance and says, "Anyway, Joey may be pretty -- she does have that fresh-faced appeal in a very J.Crew-catalog kind of way [Mr. Williamson, please send me a check], but she's no you. You're a sex kitten, Jen, and you should work it to your advantage." Pardon me while I go downtown, hire seventeen mimes, and tell them to form the word "WHATEVER" with their bodies. Jen: "What are you saying, that I should just take off all my clothes and throw myself at him?" Abby: "It could work." Back in the day, someone said the same thing about the Hindenburg. Abby continues, "Opportunity is not a lengthy visitor, and tonight is your last night with him. I mean, you have to go for broke -- wear something scandalous. You can borrow one of my dresses, and just spray perfume in all the right places -- big, red, moist lips," and Abby wiggles her shoulders seductively for emphasis as Jen bites her lip and says, "You know what, you're right. I may as well put the final nail in my coffin of shame, what have I got to lose?" Abby: "Yeah, just seduce him! His tighty-whiteys will be in a ball by the foot of the bed before you can say 'Joey Potter is a virgin,'" and Jen finds this so hilarious that she almost sprays coffee out of her snout. As for me, two letters: E. W.

Back at the Scarlet A Ranch, Gale has prepared a nice romantic dinner, but The Flash shoots her down by telling her he "made other plans." Gale blows out the candles in a metaphor for not only the dwindling prospects for their marriage but also my dwindling interest in same.

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Dawson's Creek

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