Dawson's Creek

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C- | Grade It Now!
Making money hand over fisticuffs

Previously on Big Head Wad and the Wankers: Dawson took whatever money he didn't spend on his purchase of Joey a few years back and turned it over to Pacey, demanding a quick and large return on his investment so that he can make what he self-consciously called an "indie film." Little David semi-broke up with Jack because...well, we think because Jack talked to this guy Fred, but that almost seems like it can't be right, so there might be scenes that were omitted where Jack spit in Little David's drink or kicked him or called him "shrimpy" or something. Pacey's boss was a huge, materialistic asshole, so of course Pacey wanted to be just like him. Oh, and there was this chick kind of hanging around, and it seemed like she might be government, but then it turned out she was just media. Joey dumped Pacey for the greener (?) pastures of the reappearing Eddie, who told her to take a leap of faith and made other unlikely suggestions.

In a restaurant somewhere in Boston, North Carolina, an irritatingly happy piano tootles jazzily in the background while a pensive Pacey, alone at a table, stares down at his silverware. Pacey is sad, you see, because Pacey is always sad. If Pacey were happy, the show would end and water would go down the drain the other way and your hair would grow inward and then the earth would explode. He shifts his gaze to look a little farther into the distance, and we become aware that he is thinking of Joey: The One That Got Away. The little mood lamp reminds him of her smile, the wine reminds him of her intoxicating personality, and the salt and pepper shakers remind him of the contrast between the top half of her hair and the bottom half. A perky waitress comes up and asks him if he needs any more bread. He tells her he doesn't want bread, but he'd like another drink, and he'd like her not to call him "sir," because it makes him feel creepy. "Yes, sir," she says, and then apologizes and walks away, knowing she made an idiot of herself in front of what is probably the first hottie to walk into this establishment since 1994. He laughs a bit.

Sadia's boobs, followed by the rest of Sadia, approach him from behind and say, "Hel-looo." He turns to look directly into her cleavage, and then follows her with his eyes as she makes her way to the other side of the table and sits down. She asks if he missed her, and he assures her that although he did miss her, the waitress's flirting helped him pass the time. In the first of many of this evening's Hair Don'ts, Sadia's hair is up, but she has large chunks of it hanging in her eyes. Not subtle little tendrils, but flops of hair. Yuck. Anyway, Pacey assures her that the waitress isn't his type, and he makes with the I-love-the-brown-eyed-intellectuals remarks that are veiled references, of course, to Joey: The One That Got Away. Sadia asks him why it took him so long to ask her out, so we get some more veiled references to Joey: The One That Got Away, as Pacey assures FlopHair that he's recovered from all his past entanglements. Pacey's drink is brought by Bumbling Waitress, who I wish had had more lines, because she is much more interesting than Sadia. Pacey then proposes a toast to getting to know each other better. "Much better," she says, with all the subtlety of a battery-acid martini. They stare meaningfully into each other's eyes. If this were an episode of Saved By The Bell, which it almost is, this is where the audience would go, "Woo!"

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Dawson's Creek




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