Dawson's Creek
Cigarette Burns

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B- | 1 USERS: C
Cigarette Burns

We open with Joey sitting cross-legged on Dawson's bed, watching The Movie. She wipes away a tear as the credits roll. Oh, dear God. I hope she was crying because she has no idea how to tell him that his movie bites. Dawson bounds into the room just in time to see Joey brush a drop of glycerin off her cheek. "Is it over?" he asks. She nods. "All two hours and forty minutes of it." Dawson grimaces and takes a seat next to her, explaining that it's "the director's cut" and it's "way too long." He takes a closer look at her face. "Are you crying?" he asks. She insists that she's not. "I think you were!" Dawson crows. "There may have been a tear shed or something, all right? I don't remember," Joey admits. "That's a good thing, right?" Dawson asks. "Not unless I was bored to tears," Joey says, grinning. Wow, Katie Holmes's teeth are enormously yellow. Katie? It's called cosmetic dentistry. Look into it. "It's good. It's really good," she finally tells him. In fact, she says, she can see something "actually happening with this." And that's why she was crying, see. "It's a pretty amazing thing to be there when your best friend becomes exactly what he's dreamed about his entire life," she gushes. Dude, he just finished a student film. It's not like Steven Spielberg is presenting him with a Lifetime Achievement award and then adopting him as his son, or anything. Dawson smiles, and Joey tells him that she was really surprised by Charlie's performance. "He was shockingly good," she says. Dawson agrees, saying that it drove him crazy, but Charlie actually "has something." Joey shrugs. "He's not that bad a guy, Dawson," she says. Dawson raises his brows. "I know he was kind of a jerk to Jen, but I think that was out of fear more than anything else," Joey insists. Dawson just looks skeptical.

He's about to say something (probably, "Joey, are you smoking crack?") when Pander skips into the attic. "Holy smokes, Leery!" Pander yelps, seeing Joey sitting on the bed. "You work fast. Broke up with Betty and you've already got Veronica in your bed." Joey rolls her eyes, but Pander asks her about the flick before she can set him straight about the circumstances surrounding her presence on Dawson's bed. She thought it was excellent, she says. "Was there ever any doubt?" Pander asks rhetorically. He thinks the movie is ready to screen. Dawson sputters that they still have a lot of work to do before they're at the point where they can show it to other people. "Then you better get to work, chief, because tomorrow is approaching awfully fast," Pander chirps. "What?" Dawson says. Pander scrunches all his features into the middle of his face. "Ooh, I forgot to tell you, didn't I? Silly me. We're screening the movie tomorrow at school for cast, crew and assorted highbrow intellectuals." Dawson's all, "No, we're not." And Pander's all, "Yes, we are." He skips toward the stairs, explaining that Dawson has no say in this particular manner. "The train has left the station!" he sings as he leaves. Dawson shoots an exasperated look at Joey and gives chase. Once she's alone, Joey rewinds the film and freeze-frames Charlie's face. She sighs dreamily. I used to do that to Back to the Future because I had a giant crush on Michael J. Fox. Of course, I was ten years old at the time. Okay, by the time we had a tape of it, I was like twelve, but whatever. I'm convinced, by the way, that I'm bad luck. Every celebrity boy on whom I ever had a major crush has had a horrible disaster befall him. River Phoenix: Dead. Michael J. Fox: Parkinson's. Tom Cruise: Scientology. Ron Howard better watch his back. (What? I was in second grade. Richie Cunningham, people, come on! No, come on. Oh, shut up. I know about you and Chachi.)

Film School For People Who Have To Be In Boston For Purposes Of The Plot -- Or, Er, The "Plot." Pander lounges across a plastic chair and informs Dawson that their film is not only the best movie he's ever been associated with, it might just be the best movie ever. Dawson, wearily, asks if Pander's been hitting the smack again. "It's way too long," he says. "It's like The English Patient without the laughs." Heh. Pander thinks Dawson is being too hard on himself. The movie "kicks some serious donkey ass." Dawson begins to say something, but stops short when he realizes that Pander actually used the phrase "serious donkey ass." "Never mind," Dawson says, then tells Pander that he doesn't think the movie is "terrible," just that it needs a lot of re-shoots, "including the sex scene." Pander raises a brow, and Dawson mentions that "from a certain angle, you can actually see Charlie in all his glory." Wow, they actually made him go commando for the sex scene? That's pretty unusual. "Is it…substantial?" Pander queries delicately. "Enough to warrant its own credit in the titles," Dawson says. Pander looks thoughtful as he ponders the enormity of Charlie's schlong. And now we know why Joey's suddenly back into the boy: she's a size queen. Finally, Pander shrugs and tells Dawson that once the film is picked up by a studio, they'll have the money to "CGI it the hell out of there." Dawson rolls his eyes. "You know what the real problem is, don't you?" Pander asks, and Dawson bursts into hysterical laughter. "Please, enlighten me," he chuckles. "You're still reeling from your break-up with Jen," Pander says. Dawson doesn't think so. "Come on!" Pander says. "You dated her for months. She helped you grieve. She robbed you of your precious flower." HA! Sorry. "I don't care how cool you want to play that off, but that means something, bucko. You want to talk about it?" Dawson, not surprisingly, does not. Pander accepts this, and then wonders if Dawson would mind if he, Pander, were to ask Jen out. Dawson furrows his brow.

Cut to Pacey and Audrey, sweaty and heaving in post-coital bliss. She's in the bed. He's on the floor. They're panting. And yet he's fully clothed. Magic! "Where'd you learn to do that?" Pacey sighs. "National Geographic," Audrey replies. Seriously, boys? Don't ever ask that question because you never will be happy with the answer. I guarantee it. "How many guys have you done that to?" Pacey heaves. "Enough to know you've got staying power," Audrey says, artfully dodging the question. She rolls from the foot of the bed to the head, and Pacey follows her, revealing to all and sundry that he wears tightie-whities underneath his boxers. And, yeah, Pacey looks hot and all, but a guy who wears two pairs of undies whilst having sex has some serious issues. Or is really, really talented. Audrey sighs blissfully and drapes herself over Pacey, saying that she's really, really happy Chef Danny asked Pacey to housesit. "I am more glad," Pacey says. "I am gladder. Gladdest. And I can't feel anything below my waist. Is that supposed to happen?" Audrey nuzzles him and murmurs something I neglected to write down before I taped over this episode. Assume it was something naughty. Pacey catches his breath and looks thoughtful. "How many guys is 'enough'?" he asks. Oh, don't. Just -- just don't. Because the likelihood is that you're never going to like the answer, Pacey. If it's more than, like, "one," you'll eventually be jealous of at least one of the other boys, and if you're the one and only, eventually, you're going to worry that she's going to want to sow her wild oats. So just leave that topic alone. Really. Shut it. You'll thank me later. "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Audrey asks. Pacey hems and haws and finally outright asks how many guys she's… "Given access to my most intimate of areas?" Audrey asks. "Well, yeah. Respectfully, of course," Pacey says. Audrey grins that she can't believe he's actually going there. And Pacey's all, forget it. "How many girls -- " Audrey begins. ""Six. Seven, including you," Pacey says immediately. "That's not a lot," Audrey comments. Audrey, he's eighteen! And he was in a long-term relationship for a while! I think seven is plenty. Pacey's all, "Compared to?" And Audrey's all, you are asking me! Oh, here we go. This isn't a good idea. This is never a good idea. At the very least, you're dooming yourself to the occasional snide comment about the guy with the pierced nipple. "You don't want to know how many men I've slept with, Pacey. You think you do, but once I've told you, you'd wish I hadn't," Audrey says. "It's that many?" Pacey squeals. Audrey leans in and smooches him and purrs that she makes Madonna look like a prude. This is sort of funny, but I know it's going to a place that will make me mad.

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Dawson's Creek




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