Hey, did you hear? It's the Countdown to Goodbye! Dawson's Creek is finally calling it quits! Whee! Ahem. I'm sorry. Was that too enthusiastic? ["I'm sorry -- I did so many cartwheels in a row, all the blood rushed to my head and I couldn't hear you over the roaring in my ears. What did you say?" -- Sars]

Anyway. Last time on Dawson's Creek: Dawson came to Audrey's rescue, despite that fact that the last time he saw her, she drove a car into his house. Blandy and Jen finally got it together and made out. Pacey remembered that Old Pacey was actually a fairly decent guy. Jack kissed TGED. And Audrey sobbed that she was ready to go to rehab after severely beating a guy with a mullet. The guy had a mullet, I mean. She didn't hit him with a disembodied mullet, or something. Although that would have rocked, in a surreal, acid-flashback kind of way.

Pacey and Jack stand in the middle of…somewhere…looking at something off-screen. Actually, thanks to the way my sofa is situated in relation to my television, it sort of looks like they're looking at…me! "My God. She is gorgeous," Pacey breathes. Why, thank you, Pacey. You're really too kind. I'm not even wearing any makeup! "Even I can appreciate that," Jack drools. Well, my goodness. Thank you, Jack. This blue sweatshirt is pretty flattering on me, isn't it? But bless your little heart. "And this one? She knows how to turn on the fun," Pacey tells him. Not to be immodest, but it's true. I do know how to turn on the fun. "Can you afford her?" Jack asks. Excuse me? I'm not sure what kind of a girl you think I am, Jack, but I assure you that price has no place in my relationship with Pacey. "Please, Jack. Do not tarnish this moment with talk of money," Pacey asks. Thank you, Pacey. "I'm just saying," Jack says. "I must have her," Pacey says, "therefore, I can afford her. Her, and all of her little toys, too." Well. This is getting a little kinky. Joey ambles up behind the boys and gives me a real once-over. "What are you guys even going to do with something this big?" she asks. Excuse me? What exactly are you insinuating, Joey? Are you calling me fat? "I mean, it's kind of grotesque," she adds. Grotesque? I may have put a few pounds on over Christmas, but "grotesque" seems a little uncalled for. "Not to mention the fact that Emma's going to freak when you drag it through the living room," she says. Drag? I had no idea that Pacey was into the caveman thing. I mean, he's cute and all, and he's certainly been sweet-talking the hell out of me here, but I'm not sure if I'm into that. Pacey turns to her with a quizzical expression as the camera pulls out to reveal that he has not, in fact, fallen in love with me, but with what is, by all accounts, a mighty big TV. I'll take that as a shout-out. Jack caresses the television with more passion than he's ever put into any of his love scenes. "This might be the most blatant display of capitalism I've ever seen," Joey says. Pacey shakes his head. "Don't be threatened by something you don't understand, Joey," Jack says. Seriously. That TV is gorgeous. Jack wanders off to find a salesperson as Joey drags Pacey away from the television set. As he goes, he waves at me. I mean, "at the television." Frankly, I sort of liked it better when he was in love with me, fat jokes, caveman behavior, and insinuations of prostitution notwithstanding.