Dawson's Creek

Episode Report Card
Sars: B- | 3 USERS: A+
That's what friends aren't for

Back from commercials, we pan past a fountain to find Dawson, Joey, Jen "Nurse" Lindley, and Jack "Mercutio" McPhee lying around on the concrete steps beside the fountain, sunning themselves and tuning up their verbal-sparring skills. But they all have spring/fall clothes on -- jeans, jackets, and heavy boots -- and it's allegedly June. Oh, right. Capeside biosphere. My mistake. Carry on. Jen wonders if they shouldn't all look for summer jobs. Joey says she already has one, and Dawson not-funnies that maybe it's just him, but the Yacht Club uniforms have gotten "sexier and sexier." Joey mock-snarls, "Bite me!" and yanks Dawson's hair playfully. Kind of a cute moment, even though it involves Dawson's hair. And, um, Dawson. Dawson says they could all get jobs at the IHOF, and the rest of them groan like "gee, thanks -- not." Jack sits up, saying that he's "got one," and asks if they'd rather work two shifts at the IHOF naked, or have sex once with Principal Derek Smalls. Apparently, they've got a running game of Would You Rather going. Heh. Anyway, Jen and Joey gag, and Jack's all "top that, suckas," and Joey asks if they'd rather do Principal Smalls, or spend freshman year with a roommate who "smells really really bad." Jen asks if Joey means the hippie-no-deodorant kind of bad, but Joey means the French-foreign-exchange-student kind of bad. Like, ha ha. Not. Besides, it's the Germans who generally smell the worst, and I speak from very painful experience. Jack: "Is he cute?" Hee hee! Jen, in a warning tone: "Jack." Jack says he's kidding. Now it's Dawson's turn, and he's got one that he calls "so brilliant it's almost perverse," and Joey cracks on him, as does Jen, warning Dawson that he shouldn't "preface [his] supposed brainstorms with the word 'brilliant,'" because it just sets him up for failure. Snerk. Also, amen. Jack is all "let the man speak," so Dawson busts out with a choice between having sex with Principal Smalls and watching Smalls have sex with Grams. Okay, Dawson? Not funny, and waaaay over the line as well. You just don't go there with your friends' family members, all right? That's, like, a rule. Everyone else just stares at Dawson, repulsed (go figure), and finally Jen groans that, first of all, Grams would never sleep with Smalls, and second of all, Dawson wins: "That's disgusting." The others agree. Dawson's all proud of leaving town as the "gross-out champion," and do I need to make the joke here? No, I didn't think so. Anyway, he's supposed to meet The Flash at the computer store, so he heads off after making plans to meet the others for the movies at seven o'clock. Joey pensively watches him go.

Computer store. Mitch "The Flash" Leery, an entire case of Jolt coursing through his veins, rapidly and overactingly extols the benefits of the laptop he plans to buy for Dawson while tapping away at the keyboard with his beefy fingers. Heh. An over-caffeinated Flash is a funny Flash. The Flash winds up the monologue by asking rhetorically, "What more could you ask for?" Dawson casts a scheming gaze over at the Apple section of the store before answering, "How about a Mac?" Um, no. How about a "thanks, Dad"? Jesus. The Flash just stares at the ingrate; Dawson smirks a line about Mac people and PC people and how "the choice defines you," and since Mac people tend to get very smug indeed, it figures that Dawson wants to become one. More arguing about the Beatles versus Elvis or some damn thing, and The Flash tries to shut Dawson down by telling him that he's done the research, and the T-21 "is by far the best buy," so that's what Dawson's getting. Dawson whines that, in that case, he'd rather not get a laptop at all, and The Flash caffeines that Dawson needs a laptop for school; Dawson says all condescendingly that he appreciates The Flash's wanting to "do this for" him, but "it's not fair" if The Flash will only do it on his own terms. It's at this point that my own father would have said something like, "Fine. Here's an abacus," and then bopped me over the head with it, hard, but The Flash settles for bellowing sarcastically that a father wants to spend thousands of dollars on his son and that's not fair, oh, fine, and Dawson's like, "I don't want it," and The Flash is like, "But you need it, so stow it," and a salesman comes up to offer his help, and The Flash tells him that they'll take the T-21, and while the salesman burbles about The Flash's "excellent choice," The Flash glares challengingly at Dawson, and Dawson flares his nostrils, and then they kiss, and The Flash says huskily, "Make love to me," bun chicka wah wah, and Dawson's all, "Did somebody order a pizza?" and tears off his XXXL shirt before hiking his tongue down -- okay, okay, sorry. Just kidding.

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Dawson's Creek




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