Dawson's Creek
Cruel Intentions 2

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Vile Things
Travel-to-New-York montage and credits. Actually, that should be "credit." The title. Richard Kumble, who both wrote and directed this marvel, seems to be suffering from an attack of modesty for some reason. Subassdunne is escorted to the palatial downtown home of his father and step-family. Establishment of background: Subassdunne's mom is in rehab, which is why he's moving to NYC to live with Papa Valmont and his new stepmother. Subassdunne meets Mama Merteuil for the first time. She's got a cat in her lap. Yes, they really are setting up some "nice pussy" un-nuendo. Next, time for introductions to Kathryn, the evil stepsister. Kathryn was played by Sarah Michelle Gellar in what I suppose I must refer to as the "original." Here, she is portrayed by Amy Adams, who you'll all remember from...uh, well, apparently she played "Beth" in "Family." Now you remember her, right? Me neither. She and Subassdunne don't hit it off very well. Kathryn plays the piano, and then Subassdunne plays it better. Nothing happens for a while, except that we establish that Subassdunne is a jerk. At dinner, we establish that Kathryn is the student-body president even though she's a sophomore. Because that's how popular she is, you see. She's also rumored to be smart, so she's embarrassed when Subassdunne corrects her vocabulary. Unable to enjoy dinner because he's already full of himself, Subassdunne leaves. Papa Valmont follows and yells at him while Mama Merteuil privately taunts Kathryn for being less of an asshole than her stepbrother. Because the whole family is evil, you see. Oh, except then we see Subassdunne on the phone with his mom, promising that he'll take care of her. I guess maybe his mom isn't evil. Just high. But I can understand what might have driven her to that. Subassdunne showers, in a scene that no one needed to see. There are a lot of bare breasts in this movie, but most them are his. Kathryn stomps in because she can't think of any better place for a confrontation, and tells Subassdunne that he shouldn't "threaten [her] cushy lifestyle." How is he threatening her? Is there only room for three jerks in the family? Then she admires his penis, flushes the toilet so that he's doused in hot water, and leaves. Remember when that we saw that same scene on Married with Children? Subassdunne and Kathryn, dressed in their school uniforms, take the limo to school. Why did I mention the uniforms? Well, because one of the messages of this movie is that teenage girls in school uniforms are sexy. In fact, that might be the only message of this movie. Being new to the school, Subassdunne has to meet with the Headmaster. While waiting outside the office, he talks up a teenage girl in a school uniform, who will eventually be identified as Danielle. She's played by Sarah Thompson, who you may know as Dana "Jailbait" Poole. Subassdunne starts a conversation by telling Danielle that she's beautiful, and she responds, "What did you mean by that remark?" What an odd way to respond. Maybe it would have made sense if he'd sounded sarcastic, but he didn't. At this point, I conclude that the script was written by aliens. Which explains how they found so many robots to use in the cast. Subassdunne talks to the headmaster, Danielle enters, and, much to no one's surprise, she turns out to be the headmaster's daughter.

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Dawson's Creek




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