Dawson's Creek
Cruel Intentions 2

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Vile Things
Kathryn gives her welcoming speech to the school. A klutzy blonde girl gets the hiccups, and chokes on her gum, causing a scene. Danielle performs the Heimlich maneuver, causing the class to give her a round of applause. And causing the klutz to spit her gum into Kathryn's hair. Why did this scene exist? I think it was so that Kathryn would bear a grudge against the klutzy girl. "She upstaged my speech and spat gum in my hair! I will destroy her!" The Scream movies had better motives than this. In English, a testy teacher writes "Jekyll" and "Hyde" on the chalkboard and then asks for someone to tell him "what this means." What what means? I don't know. The teacher makes fun of a student who tries to answer the vaguer than vague question, and then asks what the themes of the story are. Danielle blathers about the duality of man. Subassdunne interrupts to insist that "Jekyll loved Hyde so much that he protected him from the world." The two argue for about five seconds before the teacher interrupts and then asks, "Am I losing my mind or did we just witness an intellectual debate in this classroom?" If he was that thrilled by it, why'd he interrupt? And this is what passes for intellectual debate in an elite prep school? Wait, this is where all the Bush kids went to school, isn't it? That explains so much. Mueller, the assistant headmaster, is chased down by Kathryn. Kathryn's crabby because she has gym class. Since she seduced Mueller over the summer, now he has to get her out of gym, or she'll tell everyone that he molested her. Mueller gives in. This movie is giving me the creeps. Once again we learn the important lesson: teenage girls in school uniforms are sexy. We watch Kathryn walk down a hall, climb some stairs, climb some more stairs, and finally reach the attic. Are there shots of her taken from below, which allow you to see scandalously far up her pleated miniskirt from below? Why, yes! Two of them! Charming. She finally reaches the attic or something, where a secret meeting of the "Manchester Tribunal" is taking place. The who in the what now? Well, apparently the idea was that two malicious, reprehensible characters doing nasty things to innocent secondary characters wasn't enough content for a whole show. So they created a group of malicious, reprehensible characters. I love trying to figure out how this would work as a series. Would Subassdunne and Kathryn have to team up against other Machiavellettes? Or would it just be different people doing different horrible things every week? It is worth noting that, if there are over a dozen students who take part in Kathryn's plots, or at least encourage them, it's strange how shocked everyone is when they discover that she's not so sweet after all at the end of Cruel Intentions. Fine, the Tribunal. Live Sociopaths' Society. Whatever. Can I just mention that there's a chandelier? In the attic? The meeting is called to order by a guy with bushy 70s hair. Kathryn makes another speech, in which she promises "to weed out the geeks, losers, and underprivileged, and toss their fat asses out of our school." Round of applause.

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Dawson's Creek




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