Dawson's Creek
Cruel Intentions 2

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Vile Things
Subassdunne lathers up as the twins enter the shower behind him. That is one huge shower, I gotta say. And why are there so many scenes with him in the shower? The girls introduce themselves as Sarah and Gretchen. They explain that they had a sleep-over with Kathryn, and they're running late, so can they join him in the shower? Because it's the only shower in the house, I guess. So Subassdunne makes various shocked noises while the girls disrobe and show us their breasts. They make small talk about school, which Subassdunne describes as "hard," and I think you all know where this is going, and it's every bit as unpleasant to watch as you might think. Since all of the blood has rushed out of Subassdunne's head, he asks if the identical twins in front of him are sisters. Unexpectedly, they claim to be "kissing cousins" and, duh, kiss, which we see a second of before cutting over to Subassdunne. Presumably they're still kissing, but you can hear them muttering to each other. Then Subassdunne falls down, and we see the girls stop kissing. They're twin bimbo ventriloquists, I guess. They talk about Danielle, and Gretchen (or possibly Sarah) says that it's too bad that Subassdunne will "miss out on all the action." Subassdunne asks what Sarah (or possibly Gretchen) means. She (whoever) says that "with the exception of Danielle, Manchester Prep's a virtual whorehouse." The other twin claims that the school motto is, "If you don't snort it, suck it." Subassdunne reacts by squeezing his shampoo bottle so that it sprays everywhere. It was at this exact moment that I truly began to hate my life. There's a final "ring toss" joke that I'm going to pretend not to understand, and the twins leave. Having never touched so much as a bar of soap. It's like they didn't really want to take a shower at all. Which is strange, since I sure do. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'll never be clean again. Kathryn lectures the staff for various trivial failings. She says that they can't slack off just because Mama Merteuil is out of town. Subassdunne joins the gathering, and the butler gives them their allowances, which consists of a tidy number of large bills. This gives Subassdunne an idea... Cherie runs into Danielle, and begs for help in French. She's flunking. School started, like, yesterday, didn't it? Cherie offers to pay $200 an hour, and Danielle insists that she'll just take "the going rate." Then she walks off, complaining, "Why does everything have to be about money?" Cherie follows and explains, "Because it's coooool." It says a lot that, compared to the alternatives, I wish that the whole movie was about these two girls. They start walking across an upstairs gallery-type hallway when they hear a phone ring. Cherie traces it to Danielle's backpack, and pulls out a cell phone, attached to a large heart-shaped note that says "Answer me." Cherie is convincingly hyper when she gets all excited and asks, "Oh my god, soooo cool! Is it your birthday or something?" Danielle answers the phone; to no one's surprise, it's Subassdunne calling. He's wearing sunglasses, which improves his appearance enormously because they hide the eyebrows. He says, "I think I may have real feelings for you." Danielle says she "can't do this" from a phone. Subassdunne wheedles, "But it's a good phone. Digital!" Danielle asks where he is, and Subassdunne instructs her, "Look down." She peers over the gallery's railing, and there he is. Even if he knew where she was when he called, how did he know which way she'd walk down the hall? Maybe there's a GPS in the phone. She heads downstairs, but can't find him when she gets outside. Meanwhile, someone draws Kathryn's attention to the proceedings. Subassdunne tells Danielle to close her eyes, which she does, whereupon he runs up and kisses her. Danielle angrily shoves him away, throws the phone at him, and runs inside. Kathryn strolls over, hands the phone back to Subassdunne, mocks him, and leaves.

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Dawson's Creek




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