Props to Mr. Stupidhead.
I didn't realize until after the Episode 100 Wrap went live that I'd forgotten to thank liz for the tapes. Thanks a lot, liz. We owe you big-time -- not least because the tapes include all the elements essential to a Wrap, including scenes from the previous episode of Amnesiac Writers' Hour, known in some quarters as Dawson's Creek. Cue the montage of Jen-Joey-Dawson tension, Pacey gaping at Miss Jacobs, Joey lamenting the rift that has opened up between her and Dawson, Pacey getting decked by the bruiser, Pacey bitching out Miss Jacobs, and Pacey and Miss Jacobs swapping spit.
The current episode begins from a behind-the-camera perspective. In a scene from Dawson "Forehead Man, Forehead Man, Forehead Man Hates Triangle Man, They Have A Fight, Triangle Wins, Forehead Man" Leery's horror film, "Little Orphan" Joey Potter tries to convince Pacey "Benjamin" Witter that she knows what she saw: "It was big and it was ugly and it attacked me, and it's still out there, just waiting." Pacey delivers, with a shockingly straight face, the line "I may not believe you, Stephanie, but I believe in you." He leans in for a kiss, and just before he makes contact Joey pulls away with a groan of disgust, and as Pacey asks, "What? What?" and Dawson huffs, "Cut! Cut!" Joey apologizes and describes Pacey as "too repelling." Cut to the Sanctum Dawsonorum; Joey clicks off the TV in the middle of the scene we've just watched, and Dawson works on a fake head with makeup and tells Joey she's "going to have to" kiss Pacey, because the movie "doesn't work without the kiss -- it's a love story." Joey corrects him, "It's a horror movie, Dawson." Dawson in turn corrects Joey, "It's an homage with a heavy allegorical slant." "Homage"? "Allegorical"? Mark those Sars Maalox Scorecards at "1 minute 10 seconds," folks. Joey, to her credit, rolls her eyes and flops back on Dawson's bed and calls Pacey "un-kiss-worthy," and Dawson says manipulatively, "Do it for me?" and Joey says she doesn't "want to regurgitate on-camera -- why don't you kiss him?" Dawson, coyly: "'Cause my lips are reserved for someone else." Joey asks if he and Jen have kissed yet, to which Dawson smugly responds, "There's no need to rush fate." Joey advises Dawson not to "wait an eternity" because Jen comes from New York "where things tend to move faster." Dawson theorizes that Jen will therefore find it "enchanting to meet a strapping young man who doesn't have sex on the brain." Another eye-roll from Joey, along with the skeptical comment "if it helps you sleep at night." Dawson reminds Joey that Jen "is a self-proclaimed virgin." "For another second," Joey snipes. Dawson defends Jen as "a bright, intelligent young woman who is clearly in charge of her own body." Joey shoots back, "I'm not suggesting leather straps and Crisco, just a kiss." Dawson, who hasn't looked up from the fake head once during this convo, announces, "Jen and I will kiss, don't you worry. Question is, will your lips ever find Pacey's?" Joey votes for "an extensive rewrite." Dawson: "Well, that's too bad, 'cause you definitely have kissing lips." Joey (and Sars): "What?" Dawson turns the head around to reveal a replica of Joey, then suggests that Joey get through the kiss with Pacey by closing her eyes and thinking about someone else. Joey slumps down on a pillow and looks sidelong at Dawson. Dawson arches a brow and says, "Explain to me the Crisco." Well, Dawson, it might help ease the passage of your giant head out of your ass. Just a thought.
Credits. Paula Cole ululating. Could that bikini top on Katie Holmes get any skimpier?