Dawson's Creek

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 2 USERS: A+

Okay, if my toothpaste kept making that swishy-swishy sound all damn day and all damn night even after I stopped brushing, I would have to kill myself.

Those Capeside young'uns sure do love their Frisbee, as we see in an establishing shot of the high school. Cut to Nellie "Spiritual Relative Of Mary Kate And Ashley (tm Mr. Stupidhead)" Olson, wearing more eye makeup than an entire block of 11th Avenue prostitutes, removing her chewing gum before picking up the PA mic and shouting, "Don't forget about the big dance on Saturday to celebrate our victory at the big game on Friday!" Nellie natters on as the camera jumps to the packed hallway, and then to Dawson, who has stopped by Mr. Gold's classroom in an attempt to wear him down. Long story short, Dawson harangues Mr. Gold into letting him sit in on the film class, as long as Dawson doesn't speak during or participate in the class in any way. I wish Mr. Gold's proviso extended to Dawson's involvement in the entire show, but I guess you can't have everything.

In Miss "TaMAHra" Jacobs's classroom, Pacey sits behind the teacher's desk, waiting for her. TaMAHra walks in, and when she spots Pacey she slows down and her smile sort of fades. Pacey greets her, and she says in a brittle voice, "Good morning, Pacey," and rearranges things on her desk, and Pacey asks if they can talk, and as other students file into the room, TaMAHra points out, "Uh, you know, this isn't your class, so, um, I'll see you later." Pacey wiggles his eyebrows and murmurs, "No, we really need to talk." TaMAHra, who really needs to lose the swept-up-in-combs-on-each-side-circa-1984 hairstyle, responds crisply, "Well, we have nothing to discuss, except homework, of which there is none, so -- you can run along." Ouch. Pacey's concept of discretion could clearly use some work, because he won't let it drop: "There's a lot to discuss. We could start with the open-mouth kiss if you like." TaMAHra pretends not to know what he means and says she has to insist that Pacey leave immediately. Pacey tries to comfort her: "Listen, I'm just as confused about this as you are." Smiling to cover the fact that Pacey has her spooked, TaMAHra hisses, "Pacey, please. Nothing happened. There was no kiss. Please, don't." "Your tongue was in my mouth," Pacey whispers, and TaMAHra gets flustered and turns away from him to start the class, and they stand at the front of the room together for a moment longer before Pacey mutters, "You're not being fair," and finally leaves, and TaMAHra takes a deep breath and says, "Good morning, everyone."

Dawson slides in at a cafeteria table and yammers at Joey and Pacey and Jen "Rib Tips" Lindley about making the deadline for the film festival -- he can't count on the film class like he'd hoped, so they'll have to shoot all weekend, and he doesn't want to hear it from Joey about kissing Pacey. Joey grouses, "I'm reaching a breaking point with this whole kiss thing," and turns to glare at Pacey, who equally grumpily characterizes himself as "not engorged with this either, okay -- it goes both ways." Dawson has a revelation on how to make them both happy and asks Joey, "You know how you die at the end of the movie? How would you like to die sooner? Like tomorrow?" Joey, puzzled, asks what he means, and Dawson outlines the new plot, which consists of Joey's character getting killed off in a surprise attack, only to have her "beautiful but bright cousin from New York arrive just in time to find [Joey's character's] mutilated body." Pacey snaps his fingers and says, "You know, dude, I think you're onto something here," but a five-year-old could tell you that this idea has Bad Idea Jeans written all over it. Joey glares at Jen and then at Dawson; Jen looks uneasily at Joey and down at her tray, and she starts to object, but as usual Dawson talks right over her, explaining that it "nullifies the kiss issue" while putting Joey, as Dawson puts it, "back behind the camera with me where you belong." Nothing like a back-handed compliment to make that bitter pill go down, eh what, Dawson? Oh, and -- "nullifies"? Jen asks if he hasn't already shot a lot of footage with Joey's character, but Dawson dismisses this and continues to pat himself on the back for dreaming up such an unpredictable plot twist, likening it to "Janet Leigh in Psycho." Good thing Alfred Hitchcock isn't whirring in his grave like a propeller at that comparison. Oh, wait. He is. Then Pacey likens it to Drew Barrymore in Scream, and Joey quips sarcastically, "Oh, a rip-off of a rip-off." Pardon me a moment, but BWA HA HAAAAA! Old Joey, Old Joey, where art thou, Old Joey? Dawson chooses to ignore this, enthusing, "I really think it fits right in line with the whole tone of the piece, don't you think?" Joey, grinning evilly for reasons I don't quite understand, calls it "perfect" while staring knowingly at Jen. Jen looks at Dawson blankly, and Dawson spreads his hands and makes his "see, I'm a genius" face.

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Dawson's Creek




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