Previously on Dawson's Creek, Jen tells Dawson to slow down, Joey asks if Dawson still wants her as a friend, and Dawson says he doesn't know.
Don't bother with the Sars Maalox Scorecard, folks, because I hated the stupid-ass Breakfast Club rip-off episode when it first aired, and to get through it again necessitated my shotgunning a pint of cherry-flavored before starting the Wrap. Anyway, fade up in the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson "Once And Forehead King" Leery and Joey "Seventh Spine" Potter watch American Graffiti. Dawson clicks off the movie peevishly, and Joey demands, "What are you doing?" Dawson complains, "I don't get this movie." How can he not "get" American Graffiti? Joey points out, "Yeah, but we've been watching it for an hour and a half, I'd kind of like to know what happens." Dawson whines, "When movies get too unrealistic, it depresses me -- I get a headache, I can't watch," and I can't relate to that from watching DC one bit -- oh, wait, I TOTALLY CAN. Memo to the writers: in future, try to avoid non-clever references to realism in art, because it only serves to emphasize the hokey and disingenuous crap you call "the script," okay? Joey points out acerbically, "'Unrealistic'? Dawson, your favorite movie is E.T.," and Dawson says, "So?" and when Joey continues to scoff, Dawson says, "But the emotion's realistic. This movie? I mean, come on! A girl has to decide between two guys, so they drag race? She agrees to go out with whoever has the fastest car?" Joey hates to break it to him, but "a fast car can be a real turn-on." Dawson wants to know why they can't just arm-wrestle and see who has the biggest biceps; Joey says, "That would work," and reaches for the remote. Dawson holds it away from her. Joey hops on top of Dawson and starts tickling him in order to get it. Dawson giggles. They freeze and stare at each other in a moment of non-sexual-non-tense sexual tension, and Joey makes an awkward "heh" sound and climbs off, saying, "You know what? This movie really threatens you, doesn't it?" Dawson tells her to "enlighten" him, and Joey puts forth the idea that "guys are attracted to girls for totally superficial reasons," and when Dawson shakes his head dismissively, Joey says, "Yes, they are! They like girls from New York with blonde hair and pouty lips and bony arms and big boobs." Ouch. Dawson looks away as Joey goes on, "But it goes both ways, Dawson -- it goes both ways." Dawson tries to defend himself by saying that Jen doesn't have bony arms. Like, ha ha. Not. Joey rolls her eyes and says, "You can't [inaudible] the idea that if a girl is choosing between two guys, she might not choose the romantic doofus who woos her with flowers and cheesy poems," and Dawson looks insulted as she rattles on, "You know, she might just choose the guy who has the faster car, or the bigger bicep, or the bigger joystick." You know, she had me until the "bigger joystick" single entendre (tm Wing).
Dawson repeats disgustedly, "'The bigger joystick'?" and Joey says, "Yes!" and Dawson tells her that "girls are attracted to romance more than anything else." Joey shoots this condescending generalization down with a snarky, "Yeeeeah. Keep hope alive, there." Heh! Dawson then says he doesn't "compete for" girls and he and Pacey don't arm-wrestle each other for the attentions of the ladies. Joey points out that Dawson doesn't like to lose, and when he asks what that means, Joey says, "Pacey has bigger biceps," and Dawson splutters, "He does not!" and Joey teases, "Are you sure? 'Cause I thought he did," and Dawson's face falls and he doesn't say anything. Joey asks why, if girls go for the romantic guys, Jen won't have sex with Dawson. Dawson splutters that Jen wants to have sex with him, and Joey wryly finishes for him, "She just -- hasn't gotten around to it?" The truth hurts; Dawson deploys his nostrils in the manner of space-shuttle landing gear, juts his chin out, and says coldly, "Let's watch the movie, Joey." He clicks the TV back on and slumps back on the bed. Joey sneers, "I thought it was giving you a headache," and when Dawson doesn't respond, Joey gives him a stare so contemptuous it could wither fresh flowers, shrugs, and turns her attention back to the movie, and then Dawson glares at her.