Previously on Dawson's Creek -- the seduction of Pacey, the infidelity of Gail, the attraction of Jen and Dawson, and the continued seduction of Pacey.
Warning: this recap may achieve as-yet-unattained heights of bitchiness -- due to a respiratory infection, I have had to substitute Hershey's Tastations for my usual diet of Camel Lights, which has resulted not only in a mood of nearly unprecedented venom but also in a severe sugar high.
Fade up on the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson "Forehead Zeppelin" Leery watches footage of Jen "Went To Market" Lindley clomping out of a taxi, footage he apparently borrowed from the DC crew, because we've seen it before, and when we did Dawson didn't have the camera running, but anyway, Dawson slobbers, "God, she's perfect," even though in this shot she's pretty much anything but. Joey "Classic" Potter snorts, "'Perfect'? Dawson, you disappoint me." Dawson, somehow able to speak in spite of the fact that all of the blood in his body has relocated to his groin in a rather rapid fashion, extols the virtues of Jen's eyes and hair, and Joey grudgingly says that Jen has certain physical attributes, but "nothing so original or mysterious to warrant perfection." "Warrant"? Dawson says, "Okay, easy." Both of them look at Jen's freeze-framed face as Joey continues in this vein, saying that Jen's face leaves nothing to the imagination and that she can predict Jen's "entire future in that face." Dawson says, "Really," managing to sound condescending and skeptical at the same time. Joey divines that Jen's "above-average SAT scores" will lead her to attend a small liberal arts college in New England, major in art history, and return to Manhattan, where she'll marry a bond trader she meets at an America's-Cup-watching party; then they'll move to suburban Connecticut, "refurbish an old farmhouse," and raise three "neurotically perfect" children. Ouch. Dawson points out that Joey has put a fair amount of thought into this scathing indictment, but Joey shrugs the comment off with, "Not really. It's so obvious." Dawson says he prefers to let Jen surprise him; Joey responds, a little too nonchalantly, "Suit yourself. I'm just trying to save you some time." While they organize a stack of Hi-8 tapes, Dawson wonders what to get his parents, who have spent every minute of the last twenty years together, for their anniversary. Joey suggests separate vacations, and Sars suggests a VO5 hot oil for Gail "Best Of Breed" Leery and a stack of Streisand albums for Mitch "The Flash" Leery. Suddenly, Dawson and Joey both freeze and stare at the screen wide-eyed as Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs writhes across it in slo-mo, and Joey remarks that she didn't think Dawson would have "a Russ Meyer phase" and calls the tape "the perfect anniversary gift." When she asks Dawson about it, he says he didn't shoot it, and realizes he must have left the camera on while he and Jen hid under a bush, and Joey says, "It's not without a certain quality," and Dawson calls it "very watchable." Until this point, the performers' identities have gone undetected -- at least until Dawson says, "That woman looks familiar," and he and Joey realize that, if they brushed the woman's hair out of her eyes and imagined her "behind a big school desk," they'd have Miss Jacobs. Cut to the videotape of TaMAHra looking guiltily aroused as Pacey "Name That Statute" Witter ravishes her neck with kisses, except that we can't see Pacey's face.
First-season credits. First-season hair. Singing, remarkably similar in both quality and timbre to the sound of a cat getting jammed into a garbage disposal.