Who says giant, national video-rental chain stores are impersonal and uncaring? After I returned the craptacular Gossip a couple of weeks ago, my local store inexplicably instituted parental restrictions on my account, preventing me from renting any movies naughtier than PG-13. Given my rental record, they were probably just looking out for my best interests. I appreciate it, guys, but you can't save me. It's not worth the effort to even try.
Disturbing Behavior opens with weird roving lights that highlight the opening credits as creepy-ass Mark Snow-composed music plays. It sounds kind of like Enigma having a bad drug trip while watching Halloween. Following the credits, we pan down from a view of the stars to a couple of teens making out in a car, parked on some lonely cliff overlooking a view of the Great Northwest.
The kids smooch for awhile, the girl sitting in the boy's lap on the driver's side. Eventually the boy pulls away. The girl slides over to the passenger seat and wants to know what's wrong. He says he has a big game on Friday and "[he] needs [his] fluids." Eww. Which sport does he play? The boy (who looks like a younger Gil Bellows) notices a tattoo on the girl's ankle and asks her why she would mutilate herself like that. Calm down, Skippy. My mom has a tattoo. It's not like she had a third eye implanted. The girl ignores his question and slides back over to kiss some more. Then she slides down to the floor to adjust his fluid levels. Eww. Sorry.
As she gets busy, a stoner boy and his dog wander out from some woods above the overlook and get a good view of what's going on. Then a police cruiser sneaks down towards the car, lights off. What, did the girl trigger some sort of blowjob signal recognizable within a five-mile radius? Does everybody want a turn? Inside the car, Blowjob Girl is learning the fundamental rule of teen thrillers -- sex equals death. The boy's eyes start to roll back in his head as he gets that goofy orgasm look. Oh, wait. I stand corrected. It's the "I'm Going to Kill You Now" look. You don't confuse those two things. Unless you're Justin from Big Brother. One of the boy's eyes glows red for a moment; then he reaches down, grabs the girl on both sides of her head, and snaps her neck. He pulls her up, calls her a slut, and pushes her back over to the passenger side. And thank heavens The Flys are singing "Got You (Where I Want You)" on the soundtrack right now, because God forbid anybody gets murdered on film these days without appropriately ironic music.