But first, Mr. Mugger needs some advice about how to get back in his honey's good graces. Yes, he asked that. No, I'm not hallucinating. "Somebody actually dates you?" Joey asks. "Hey, somebody actually married me," Mr. Mugger points out. "I'm sorry to hear that, for her sake," Joey snarks. "Well, somebody's got to fall in love with the drug dealers of the world," Mr. Mugger points out. Am I DREAMING this episode? Is this even possible? Are they really talking about this? "I mean, are we not human, Joey? Are we no less divine?" Mr. Mugger asks. Joey rolls her eyes before he launches into the "Quality of Mercy is Not Strain'd" speech from The Merchant of Venice, and agrees that even Hitler had a girlfriend. "That's right. Eva Braun. And she was one smitten kitten." I have no words. No. Words. Whatsoever. Joey advises Mr. Mugger -- actually, no. This segment is so stupid, I'm not going to recap it. Joey, giving her mugger romantic advice? Fuck that noise. All you need to know is that she ends up having to give him her coat. And then he finally leaves. And Joey sets out to walk home alone. Without stopping at a pay phone to call the police. Or hanging out for a bit in the ATM vestibule, which Mr. Mugger can't open again after he's left because he doesn't know her ATM code, until she feels like he's gone. She's walking when she hears a whistle. It's Mr. Mugger, standing in a crosswalk and waving at her. Joey turns -- and don't ask why she's not running and sobbing -- and watches as he gets plowed down by a hit-and-run driver. The car speeds off. Mr. Mugger lies in a pool of blood. Joey stares. She doesn't run to the nearest pay phone, again. She just stands there and stares. I hate this show.
After the ads, Joey is still staring. She walks over to Mr. Mugger, who looks unconscious, and retrieves her coat. She checks to make sure that her five hundred bucks is still safe in her coat pocket. How did it end up in her coat pocket? Wouldn't Mr. Mugger have put it in his own pocket? Never mind, that nit is the least of our worries. She's patting him down for her cell phone when he grabs her hand. Joey leaps away, precious, precious phone in her hand. She's calling for help, she says. Mr. Mugger coughs up some blood and says that he's fine. She thought he was dead. "Not yet," he says, falling back on the pavement. Joey? Run to safety and call from there. Holy. Mother. Of God. Mr. Mugger gestures at his firearm again, telling Joey that if she stays, she dies. She doesn't think he'll shoot her. Because he likes her. But he doesn't want to go to jail, he wheezes. Joey points out that he'll get to go to the hospital first. "Not if I have any say in it," Mr. Mugger groans. Joey? Run. Call the police from somewhere safe. How did you live this long, being this dumb? Mr. Mugger manages to actually draw his gun and aim it at Joey. "If you want to shoot me, go right ahead," she tells him. Oh, Billy, don't be a hero. And then he fires! But the gun wasn't loaded because he "never got around to buying bullets." I'm about to go out and buy some bullets and PUT ONE THROUGH MY OWN HEAD. "How about that ambulance?" Joey asks, like she's offering him coffee and a donut. And he finally agrees. This is so stupid. I can not believe how stupid this show is. Stupid with a capital S. And a capital "Tupid."