Previously, on Dawson's Creek: I don't know. Some boring, pointless shit that no one watching this show really cares about. I mean, come on. Why are you still watching? I bet you five hundred dollars that it's one of a very few reasons: you're still hoping for a Joey/Pacey reunion; you've got the hots for someone on the show; or you've come this far, there's nothing else on Wednesdays at eight, and you just have to see the goddamn thing through to the end. All valid reasons. On the other hand, if you think you can extricate yourself, if there's any way that you can manage to pull yourself away from this show at all, for the love of God, get out now. Get out and never look back. Go! Go! Save yourself! Leave me! Run! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
We open on the set of What If We Threw A Subplot And Nobody Came?, where a bunch of polyester-clad extras are jiving to "We Are Family," which is like my least favorite disco song ever. And I like disco. But "We Are Family" is, in my opinion, weak sauce. What about some ABBA, people? Todd calls, "cut," and the music stops. Forever! Okay, not forever. But a girl can dream. Dawson brings Todd a cheese danish, which he promptly shoves in his mouth. Dawson comments mildly that this is Todd's fourth danish of the day and he might have to "stage an intervention." Dude, if loving cheese danish is wrong, I don't want to be right. In fact, I might need to run out to Costco and buy a platter of danishes to get me through the rest of this episode, especially considering that we're only two minutes in and I'm already wondering whether I ought to start drinking or just go straight to the hard drugs. Todd mumbles through a mouthful of pastry that ever since Dawson made him quit smoking, he's become "some kind of cyborg-like eating machine." Dawson dismisses this -- why? I don't know. Becoming a cyborg-like eating machine makes plenty of sense to me. But then, I used to recap The X-Files -- and says that Todd's eating because he's nervous. He's being Nervous Todd. "Nervous Todd?" Todd asks. Dawson calls Nervous Todd "one of the many faces of Todd," which apparently include "Drunk and Belligerent Todd," "Sober and Belligerent Todd," "Creepy, Corny Todd" and "Sweet Todd, who is usually accompanied by Hidden Agenda Todd." This whole subplot makes me Bitter, Unhappy Recapper Jessica, who is usually accompanied by Wants To Kill Herself Jessica. And, apparently, today we're being introduced to Wearing A Brand New Wiglet Dawson, because those bangs aren't anywhere near being real. It turns out that they're waiting for some guy who's this big fancy actor, and Todd is nervous because this big fancy actor is going to do for Todd's movie "what Janet Leigh did for Psycho, what Drew Barrymore did for Scream." Because, you know, Scream and Psycho are roughly equivalent. Note to TPTB: Kevin Williamson isn't the executive producer anymore. You can stop kissing his ass. Although I did like Scream, I have to admit. Pass me a danish.