Previously, on Dawson's Creek: I don't know. Some boring, pointless shit that no one watching this show really cares about. I mean, come on. Why are you still watching? I bet you five hundred dollars that it's one of a very few reasons: you're still hoping for a Joey/Pacey reunion; you've got the hots for someone on the show; or you've come this far, there's nothing else on Wednesdays at eight, and you just have to see the goddamn thing through to the end. All valid reasons. On the other hand, if you think you can extricate yourself, if there's any way that you can manage to pull yourself away from this show at all, for the love of God, get out now. Get out and never look back. Go! Go! Save yourself! Leave me! Run! Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
We open on the set of What If We Threw A Subplot And Nobody Came?, where a bunch of polyester-clad extras are jiving to "We Are Family," which is like my least favorite disco song ever. And I like disco. But "We Are Family" is, in my opinion, weak sauce. What about some ABBA, people? Todd calls, "cut," and the music stops. Forever! Okay, not forever. But a girl can dream. Dawson brings Todd a cheese danish, which he promptly shoves in his mouth. Dawson comments mildly that this is Todd's fourth danish of the day and he might have to "stage an intervention." Dude, if loving cheese danish is wrong, I don't want to be right. In fact, I might need to run out to Costco and buy a platter of danishes to get me through the rest of this episode, especially considering that we're only two minutes in and I'm already wondering whether I ought to start drinking or just go straight to the hard drugs. Todd mumbles through a mouthful of pastry that ever since Dawson made him quit smoking, he's become "some kind of cyborg-like eating machine." Dawson dismisses this -- why? I don't know. Becoming a cyborg-like eating machine makes plenty of sense to me. But then, I used to recap The X-Files -- and says that Todd's eating because he's nervous. He's being Nervous Todd. "Nervous Todd?" Todd asks. Dawson calls Nervous Todd "one of the many faces of Todd," which apparently include "Drunk and Belligerent Todd," "Sober and Belligerent Todd," "Creepy, Corny Todd" and "Sweet Todd, who is usually accompanied by Hidden Agenda Todd." This whole subplot makes me Bitter, Unhappy Recapper Jessica, who is usually accompanied by Wants To Kill Herself Jessica. And, apparently, today we're being introduced to Wearing A Brand New Wiglet Dawson, because those bangs aren't anywhere near being real. It turns out that they're waiting for some guy who's this big fancy actor, and Todd is nervous because this big fancy actor is going to do for Todd's movie "what Janet Leigh did for Psycho, what Drew Barrymore did for Scream." Because, you know, Scream and Psycho are roughly equivalent. Note to TPTB: Kevin Williamson isn't the executive producer anymore. You can stop kissing his ass. Although I did like Scream, I have to admit. Pass me a danish.
Enter said Big Fancy Movie Star (right on cue), as played by Eddie Cahill in a horrible wig. His name is, like, Max Warfield or something, but to me, he will always be Tag. Tag greets Todd and Dawson and helpfully exposits that his character is killed off in the first fifteen minutes of the movie. Todd waves this off and promises that he'll be back the sequel as a "flesh-eating zombie." God, Todd, could you watch your spoilers? Whoops -- it's a fictional movie, isn't it? Sorry. Force of habit, there. I've become so spoiler-phobic about certain shows (Alias, 24, Buffy), as a matter of fact, that I can barely even read Entertainment Weekly anymore. Either the cover article is one that I really want to read but can't because I'm scared they'll spoil me (as has happened in the past), or it's about, like, Kris Kristofferson and I couldn't care less. I'm about five minutes away from creating my own magazine, called SpoilerFree, which would be full of interesting articles and pretty pictures, but guaranteed to be sans spoilers. And that just goes to show you that I spend entirely too much time thinking about TV. Tag and Todd keep talking while I'm planning my multimedia empire, and I miss part of the conversation, but at some point Tag says something about having to "work around Spielberg" and Dawson practically bursts into tears of jealousy. He manages to control himself enough to introduce himself to Tag, and smiles wanly when Tag suggests that they go out and get some drinks after they're done shooting. Tag flashes him all his teeth, then turns to Todd and asks where he can find "the lovely Natasha," as he "[likes] to get to know whoever [he's] working with." Todd chuckles. Dawson flares his nostrils and just looks furious. Dawson, he said he wanted to get to know her, not that he needed to screw her brains out.